MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Merry Christmas to all of you!!!

This morning went well....well, at least it wasn't horrible. Somehow I was able to save some money in the recent months and was able to get K. everything she asked for...which is a first. She is definitely not like me, who as a kid (and young adult) would wake everyone up really early to see what we all got. She was laying in bed this morning, wide awake, and I had to ask her if she wanted to come downstairs and open her presents.....it took some convincing on my part to get her to come too......probably so many uneventful Christmas' that it just isn't exciting to her.....I don't know. But she loved her gifts this year, which makes me happy!!!

I wish all of you a very Merry Christmas and a Happy, healthy new year!

Five days til Christmas....and The Funk Remains!

Today is December 20th, and I am still not ready for Christmas!! I HATE this feeling of being so unmotivated, I feel like I am cheating my daughter out of so many Christmas memories. Even though I am in this funk, I think I am better than the past 2 years, but my spirit just isn't there. I did get K. the live tree she wanted, and put the lights on for her, and she did the decorating. She really enjoyed that. Also, we picked up a cookie mix at Trader Joes. For $4.00 we got the mix, colored sugar, and cookie cutters, which is a really good deal. Together, we made the cookies and she enjoyed that too. My problem is, I just can't get myself out to shop. I really only have K. to worry about, as my niece and nephew who have everything will get the standard visa gift card from us. I picked up one item she really wanted, and just ordered a second item, but other than those two things, I have nothing. I am going to try to get myself the 5Below (a fancy dollar store, where everything is $5 or less) to pick up some things, just so it looks like she is getting stuff.....last Christmas, almost everything came from 5Below.

I started this post this morning and guess what....still didn't get out shopping. I guess I HAVE to go tomorrow.

I just want to know when this "funk" I am in will pass??!! I am thinking of going back to my doctor to have them change my anti-depressant medication....I don't think the one I have been on for over a year, and has already had one dose increase, is doing it for me anymore......

My Christmas Funk!!

At some point in my life, I really enjoyed Christmas....but that seems so long ago! The past 7 years or more, I have dreaded this holiday and particularly the last 3 years. This will be the third Christmas without Charlie. I hate that....not so much for me, but for K.

The year of 2007 was the first year where we were not together. I had filed for divorce in May of 2007, and K. and I moved from Georgia to New Jersey in August, and Charlie stayed down in Georgia. Since he was giving me a hard time about the divorce, there were no documents in place about where K. had to be for the holidays, BUT out of the goodness in my heart, I allowed her to fly to GA., with her grandmother to visit her dad for Christmas in 2007. It almost didn't happen because I was extremely aggravated that he hadn't paid me any child support in months (that was the one official item that was in place with our separation documents), and I still didn't have a job, and was "borrowing" money from my parents and siblings just to pay for K's asthma meds which cost $140/month (eventually, I got it for free, for 1 year through the drug manufacturer). Up until 2 days before her flight, I was telling him that she would not be coming down unless he gave me some child support. Well, I never got any money and I allowed her to go anyway, which, looking back, I am so glad I did, because that was his last Christmas! For me, it was an awful Christmas....the worse one I ever had because I was all alone. I went from having a family, to not even getting to spend it with my daughter......

Move forward to 2008....I am now a widow and it is really just me and K. I started out strong and hopeful for the holidays. We were living at my parents house, so we had lots of Christmas decorations to choose from....I had left most of "our" decorations with Charlie. There is something "different" about using someone else's decorations, as opposed to your own. In any case, I went to the tree lot and picked up a "live" tree with my last $50. Yes, I thought it was foolish to spend that kind of money on a tree, especially because it was the last of my money until I collected my SS the following week, but I wanted to do something nice for K. I remember my mom being upset with me bringing a live tree into the house for 2 reasons, 1. that I had spent that money when they were pretty much supporting us, and 2. the pine needles are a pain in the butt to clean up, but when it was put up, my mom enjoyed it too. I also put it up nice and early....probably the first week in December. K's birthday is December 11th (a little added stress, being so close to Christmas). On December 12th, the day after my baby turned 10, K and I were at her rock climbing class at the YMCA when I get a call from my brother...."I think mommy died!" I yell "what?" and he repeats himself (my brother is certainly not a good person to deliver any kind of bad news). I had just seen my mom, an hour before....I said goodbye as we were leaving for K's class, but she didn't answer, which was not unusual, as she was very ill and often sleeping. Someone had called for my mom so my dad went upstairs to give her the phone, when he found her.....obviously, Christmas was not a happy time this year either.....I was so happy that I had gotten ALL of my shopping done prior to this day, because I did not pick up one more thing after it.

Last year, I just had no spirit!!! I barely got the 3 foot artificial tree up and decorated, and that was about it. It was really starting to affect me, the situation I am in, living with my dad, not having my own things, feeling that I am not doing right by my daughter, still reeling over a bad relationship that I should not have been in, but was, and still missing that guy....though I should not have been (that took a full year to get over)....I just was not into it at all. K. never really tells me what she wants for Christmas, so that is not so much fun, going shopping, but not know what you are shopping for. Last year, I did get her a keyboard, which she did want, and still uses (she is musically talented)...but all the other gifts, for the most part, came from 5Below (a fancy dollar store, where everything is under $5). Who knows where any of that stuff is now....

This year, I have promised myself that K. is going to have a great Christmas!! We haven't had a good Christmas in so long(and by good, I mean just being in the spirit). K. has said that she wants a live tree, instead of the small artificial one that is here.....so while she is on a Girl Scout trip today, I am going to get one. I will set it up and put on the lights and she can decorate when she gets home. One BIG difference this year is that we have "our" ornaments. I left them with Charlie when I left GA, but I am not sure why....I probably should have taken some, especially K's as she has received an ornament every year since she was born....After Charlies mother died last year, the Christmas ornaments (which his family said they didn't have) were found and returned to K. We opened the box of them last night and reminisced about them....there were several of Charlies ornaments there which will definitely go up on "our" tree. Sadly, the collection of Santas and our other decorations were not returned to K. I guess they are with his "Hess Truck Collection."

I am hoping that this year is a great Christmas, I can stay in the spirit, create some new traditions and keep some old....but am overjoyed that we will be using the ornaments that are "ours" and a little piece of Charlie will be with us this Christmas.....

Thanksgiving Day!!!

This year is the first Thanksgiving that I have hosted since the demise of my marriage about 4 years ago. I LOVE Thanksgiving. It has always been my favorite holiday. Not only is it a time to give thanks, but I love family gatherings without the expectation of anything other than good food and spending time together. This is the holiday, while married, that I hosted for Charlie's family every year. There were always at least 20 people, and while very stressful prepping for this holiday, it was so worth it in the long run. It is also the day we were married. In 1996, Charlie and I got engaged in September and planned a May 1997 wedding....however, on a whim, the week before Thanksgiving, we asked the priest at his church if he would marry us on Thanksgiving and he said yes. The wedding service was planned in 4 days, and not all family could attend, but it was a great day anyway. We got married, then went to him moms house for Thanksgiving. I loved the fact that it was a low-key event. In any case, this year while prepping for Thanksgiving, was bittersweet. As much as I love to be the "hostess with the mostess" I really missed Charlies presence as he always helped with everything for this holiday. Of course, this year was different than past years as no one from Charlies family was with us, just my family.....but still, a flood of memories came back. I often wonder when the grieving stops. Charlie has been dead a little over 2 years and we have been apart 3 years and things certainly weren't good in our marriage toward the end, but I could not stop thinking about when things were good, and Thanksgiving was great!! As time passes, as pissed off as I was at Charlie at the end of our marriage, I find myself thinking more of the good times we had, and letting go of all the crap we went through. I do believe it is a good thing to remember the good things but it is putting me in a place where I miss him which I find kind of strange. Why, after 2 years am I missing him more often now than before?

Needing a Hug!!

"We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth."
Virginia Satir, American Psychologist and Educator (1916-1988)

I am not sure that I would agree the the amount of hugs Ms. Satir suggests...I would take just one a day (or even every few days). As a widow (or any kind of partnerless person), this is one area that really, really sucks because it is not like you can go out and just hug someone. It is not a sexual thing, rather a emotional release I guess. Some days I feel like I just need a huge hug and a little reassurance! It amazes me that you don't realize how much you need that until you don't have it. While married to Charlie, up until the very last few months of living together, we hugged everyday....It was just what we did. I know I can always go get my "virtual" hugs through FaceBook, and have requested them a few times when I am extremely "down in the dumps", BUT it is not the same thing as an actual hug and a little emotional support. (I have to confess though, I have a wonderful support group of girlfriends, all mommys, of whom I can ask for advice, reassurance, and support. I am very lucky that way!!)

I hug my daughter everyday because she is a very huggy person, but she is entering her teenage years (now she is a tween), and I assume that she will no longer want mom hugging her so much (though I hope I am wrong). Speaking of K. I can see that she is missing the hugs of a man/father figure! Recently, we went to a festival and met up with one of my friends who was there with one of her guy friends. K. has met this man ONCE before, as have I. It was the 2nd anniversary of Charlies death and we had been to the cemetery that day. When we met up with these people, she kept hugging this man. I don't think he knew what to do, he doesn't know our situation unless my friend has told him, but I knew she had her dad on her mind because she hugged him more than once. We left shortly after meeting up with them (not because she was hugging him, but because we had already been there for a few hours and were tired...and broke).

So EVERYBODY needs hugs, and it is a blessing when we can receive what we need!!

Second Anniversary & Some Other Stuff

Tomorrow will be the 2nd anniversary of Charlie's passing. It is hard to believe that it has been two years already. This week has been a rough one for me. School started on Thursday which brings back memories of what we went through 2 years ago. We are having the same kind of weather we did when Charlie died. I have been thinking alot about him and how great our marriage was before he picked up the bottle again. One of my good friends recently started dating another friend (a guy we used to hang out with in high school). I participated in setting them up....got the ball rolling, so to speak. From the first phone conversation, they were practically in love. It has been about 2 weeks for them but seems like years. I miss that. I miss the companionship I had with my husband and that awesome feeling I had with Danny (even though that relationship was all wrong). And, of course, the financial end of things.....back to school always costs some money between school supplies, some new clothes, PTA membership, pictures, lunches.....it just goes on and on and I still haven't found a job.

Today, I took K. shopping with the $50 in gift cards my brother and sister-in-law gave her for back to school clothes. The store it was for in in the same town as the cemetery. I knew if I told K. that I planned to stop at the cemetery, she would not want to go. So we went shopping, then I said, "Why don't we go visit Daddy and Nana's grave since we are right here and tomorrow will be 2 years since he died. She had no idea that that day was coming up. In any case, she didn't want to go but I said "I am going and you can stay in the car." As soon as we got there she got out. She always hates to go but is fine once we get there. We cleaned up the garbage that was around the headstone and put some pretty stones there...one for daddy, one for nana, and one for her grandfather who died in 1965 (Charlie was 4 when his dad died). I think K. always feels better after she goes (we go visit other relatives of Charlies, who are buried close by). For me, it just feels right.

First Day of School!

Ah, another school year begins! K. started 6th grade today, advancing to the middle school. She seems excited about it....I am a wreck. I didn't worry all summer long about this transition BUT yesterday she went for a brief orientation and all last night I felt sick to my stomach. I don't know why I let these things bother me....K. certainly doesn't seem bothered.

The start of school has always been hard for me emotionally (you realize how old they are getting)...but now even more so because it was the night before K. started 4th grade that Charlie was taken off life support and we were at the hospital late that night saying goodbye to him. That was a Tuesday night, she started school on Wednesday and he died early Friday morning, but I let her go to school that day and didn't tell her until after she came home (we talked about it and that was the way she wanted it to be).

Charlie was so proud of K. and this is just another milestone he is missing out on. I still struggle with my feelings of being pissed at him because he pretty much did it to himself, missing him, and feeling sorry for him. I guess you could say it depends on the day.

Comfort Zone Camp (for K.)

I just found out the other day that K.'s application for Comfort Zone Camp has been accepted and she will be attending August 26th through August 29th. Comfort Zone Camp (www.comfortzonecamp.org) is a camp for grieving children. It is free to the camper, and she will be with children of all ages in similar situations. This summer has been particularly hard for K. as she misses her dad everyday. I will write about her experiences once she returns from it.

K. missing her Dad!

Today has been a weird day with a lot of reminders of Charlie. It is Saturday, so I did my usual walk in the morning, followed by giving K. some breakfast, and then getting ready to run some errands. It started this morning with some song K. was playing on the internet. It was from Veggie Tales...ya know "mashed potatoes mashed potatoes, cold spaghetti, cold spaghetti" that one (I can't remember the name of it). In any case, Charlie used to sing that song to K. when she was younger (probably because it was such a ridiculous song). Throughout the morning and early afternoon, she had been bringing Charlie up. No crying or anything, just kind of asking questions. I asked her if she wanted to go to his gravesite to put balloons or a gift, and she said "NO!" Just now, I walked into her room and she was playing on her computer and it looked like she was crying. I asked her if she was ok, and she said it was just her allergies. Two seconds later, she is in tears and asked if she could her her dad's voice. I have his last message still on my voicemail, from August 27th, 2008, almost 2 years ago....I just always make sure to save it before 21 days is up (otherwise it will automatically erase). I played it for her and she asked "was that him?" It kills me that 1. she is still so hurt and 2. that she had to ask if that was him. I don't want her to ever forget her dad's voice, but she was only 9 when he died, I guess it is bound to happen.

I hate seeing K. so hurt!

Being In A Funk!!

I don't know why, but for some reason I get myself in a bit of a "funk" during the summer. Last summer was far worse, but I seem to have gone back to that "not so great" place again this summer. I think it is a combination of things but mainly not being able to provide entertainment for my daughter. She is out of school now. She suffers from asthma and allergies and has terrible eczema, so she doesn't really enjoy the beach or the pool because it hurts her skin sometimes. I would love to take her to amusement parks, and water parks but everything is really expensive to do. Last summer, I was working part time, so I enrolled her in camp, every other week, which was what I could afford (my whole earnings from that job went to that camp), but this summer, not having a job, I can't do that. Also, during the summer, I don't get any alone time. Sometimes, I just like to be alone.

I started going back to the gym (I took a 3 month break), that definitely lifts my mood. I really enjoy walking outside, but this crazy hot and humid weather is not comfortable for me to walk in....hopefully, I get completely out of this funk soon....things are already looking better.....

Alcoholism-It's a Killer!

Last week, I found out through a former neighbor of mine from Georgia, that another neighbor had died. This lady was 37 years old and was found dead in her bed by her 8 year old son. Apparently, she and her husband were in the process of divorcing and a lot of the reason they were divorcing was because she had become a very heavy drinker. When I lived there, I didn't know her to be a drinker, but I either wasn't paying attention to it or she developed this drinking problem after I left. Drinking may not have caused her to die, and an autopsy is being conducted, but she had no known health issues....so I guess they will find out soon if it was a factor or not. And another young child is left without a mom possibly because of alcohol!

Living with an alcoholic is a disaster for everyone involved. This I know to be true!!! It sucked for Charlie, because he just couldn't get through the day without a drink, it sucked for me, because I felt like I lost the man I married....everything changed, from his personality, to his not being able to support us, to people not wanting to be around, not just him, but myself and K. too BECAUSE of him. It is a horrible diesease and one I can't relate to. Sadly, I don't think Charlie saw the changes in himself. He would blame me for everything, saying that I was the one who changed. Well, there is no doubt about that...I changed because my whole situation had changed because of his drinking and I was trying to deal with it. Bottom Line...ALCOHOLISM SUCKS!

I often wonder what it would have been like if he never picked up the bottle again. I feel bad for me and more so for K. that that is the route he decided to take.

About This Blog......

Reading back some of my posts, I realize this is just kind of my own personal bitch session....just me reliving the past.....(some other blogs I have read, actually have a point).

I guess it really doesn't matter because I think I am the only one reading it....AND I am getting some closure(?) too.....

Schools Out!!!

Today my daughter completed 5th grade. Next year, she moves onto middle school. It was a half day today and the parents of the 5th graders were invited up to the school 15 minutes prior to dismissal to attend a "5th Grade Clap-Out!" A clap-out is when all the other students in the school line the halls, then the 5th graders march proudly through the halls while everyone claps.....the parents are outside clapping too. It brought me to tears....AGAIN!!! I am a pretty emotional person to begin with, but this year, with all of K.'s accomplishments has almost been too much for me. It is at these times where I wish that Charlie was alive to see it! He would be so so proud!!! I feel so bad for K. too. A lot of fathers attend these things at her school and she definitely notices that. She often says to me how unfair it is that she doesn't have a dad. I still don't know how to react to that, other than tell her how much he loved her, that he is watching her from heaven and that he would be so proud of her. What else can I say?

Just Some Words..........

PAIN taught me PATIENCE, HEARTACHE turned to HOPE, SADNESS became SERENITY, DEVASTATION turned into DETERMINATION, FEAR made me a FIGHTER, LONELINESS allowed me to LOVE, WORRY showed me WISDOM, ALONE has made me ACCEPT.....original 2/10

I borrowed this from a friend of mine.....A good Southern Baptist family whose husband left her for a co-worker of his and got her pregnant. They were married more than 20 years..........

Signs, Signs, Everywhere There are Signs!!

Do you believe in getting signs?? By that I mean, something unusual happens to get your attention! I do believe in it, and this is what happened today. Of course, today being Father's Day, Charlie has been a constant in my mind. I recently cleaned out our garage as we had a townwide junk pickup day last week. In the corner, I have stacked some things of Charlies which were given to me for K. when his mom passed away this past January. Most of it is pictures, yearbooks, old report cards...just a bunch of his personal stuff. I was upstairs in the computer room, which is over the garage and I heard a loud crash. So I went to investigate, and sure enough, a couple of those large plastic containers had toppled over. I really don't know how it happened as they seemed pretty secure and there is no wind, but it happened. So I go over and start picking up the contents that have fallen out. Honestly, when I got the stuff, I just kind of peeked to see what it was but never really wnet through anything. In any case, laying right there on top is a card that I had given Charlie for his birthday in 2002. It had come out of this wooden desk caddy he used and it was the only card in there amongst his checkbook and some desk supply items. I had to read it. It was one of those kind of romantic cards, something I don't normally pick (I usually get a funny card). The card was printed with "For my wonderful husband! I love you for all you are and all you strive to be. You're a very special man, and I'm so proud and happy to be sharing my life with you." And then I wrote "I am so unbelieveably proud of you honey! I couldnot be happier living here! We know you are working so hard for all of us and we appreciate it. I love you with all of my heart. I hope you have a wonderful birthday. Love & Kisses, T." I realized that was when we moved from NJ to SC (for one year). Charlie had always wanted to move south, his two sisters lived in GA & AL and loved it. I was not so sure because my whole family was in NJ. BUT after September 11, 2001 and living so close to New York, I said okay to moving. At that time, I felt very safe with Charlie and assumed everything would be fine. He scheduled a weeklong trip in January 2002 to stay with his sister in GA and look for a job down there. After all, Atlanta was booming with jobs and he was in the mortgage business, a booming business to be in also. He went to Atlanta, arranged interviews, went on interviews and on his last day there, drove up to Greenville, SC for an interview. That was the job he really wanted (and he was offered it), so that is the one he took. Being in the mortgage field is usually a commission only job, so pay is always sporadic, but this job had a base salary (and a good base salary) and commission. We were all thrilled. We packed up and moved to SC in March 2002 and Charlie started his new job. Moving to SC was to be the start of Charlie revisiting his alcohol addiction. We lived in a duplex and our duplex neighbors just happened to be from NJ also. We hit it off with them right away. BUT Charlie and Wayne (the neighbor) would sit out on the porch with their beer every night and drink. I don't think Charlie was a beer drinker before, but maybe this was his way to be "social." On top of that, he hung out with and played golf with, several of the guys from work....all drinkers. That job only lasted 6 months as Charlie went to work one day and there was a sign on the door that they were "out of business." We soon read in the newspaper that the 3 owners were going to jail for some mortgage scam. His boss at this company found a job in the Atlanta area and offered Charlie a job with him, which is how we ended up in GA.

Back to the card I found today, I realized that was probably the last time I was truly proud of my husband. The last time he was the man I married, because once that drinking started, everything was about to change............(I may have given him that card because I was starting to lose faith in him and didn't want to.)

Father's Day!

This year will be K.'s second father's day without a father. It is kind of a weird day for us, because I am not sure what to do. Quite frankly, I don't remember what we did last year, but I am assuming that we did something with my father, K.'s grandfather. One thing I am kind of thankful for is that in K.'s school, they don't do anything special for fathers day. On mothers day, they hold a plant sale and every year, other than this year (5th grade), they made something for the mom's in class. K. is having a hard time this year. She just doesn't want to celebrate it at all, even with my dad. Charlie's sister Elaine in in NJ now and offered to have K. go with her to a family function in PA, but K. doesn't want to go, so she will just go and have breakfast with Elaine tomorrow morning.

There isn't really anything to say here, but if you are a dad (applies to mom's too) just make sure your kids know how much you love them for you never know when you will be gone. I am lucky that K. knows how much her dad loved her.....

Happy Father's Day!

Online Dating~Part 2

OK...it has been a year since my disaster dating situation, something I should have been over in about a day, but I guess I like to take my time....LOL!(though it really isn't funny at all).

As I stated in an earlier post, I tried online dating back in January. OK, so I only left my profile up for 6 days, and actually never went on a date....but I tried! Well, a couple of weeks ago, I reposted my profile on the same dating website and left it up for a little more than 2 weeks(I have since taken it down). I am not really sure what to think of online dating. Do I think it is a great way to meet single people? Yes. There are good single men out there who are looking for a good woman, just like there are good women looking for a good man, so online dating is a good way to put these people together. Sounds easy....but it is not.

The way I do the whole online dating thing is I post my profile and see who responds. I told my one girlfriend that I was going to go out with anyone who asked. She thought I was nuts! In the two weeks, more than 50 guys sent me emails....40 of them, didn't interest me right from the first hello. One of my biggest pet peeves is a guy that can't write basic English or spell. I can understand a typo or grammatical error (I do it all the time), but I think they should proof read their profile before posting it. I am amazed at how many of these guys there are. In any case, I decided that the idea of going out with everyone was not a good one. There were several who I was interested in and started email relationships with. And so far, there have been 2 whom I have actually gone out with. Joe was the first date. He caught my attention from his first email with something funny, even sarcastic that he said. We emailed for a week or so and I finally felt comfortable enough to give him my phone number. We spoke on the phone and his voice didn't seem to match the picture of him which was posted. He had this high, squeaky voice....but I overlooked that, he still seemed like a nice guy. We made plans for a Saturday night "meeting." I knew from the start that the plan was just to meet for a drink, and Saturday night was the only time he was available so I agreed to it. (Normally, I would only do coffee or lunch on a weekday). I have to say, I was kind of excited to meet him. His picture sure was cute, and he definitely had a good personality. We decided to meet in the parking lot of this bar/restaurant so neither of us would have to wait inside. I got there first. He pulls his car up next to mine and gets out. OMG, he is really short!!! On his profile, he said he was 5'7" (I am 5'2", so that works for me)...but he gets out and he is my height, maybe even shorter. AND doesn't really look like his profile picture~maybe 5-10 years ago he looked like that, but not now. So I think, "whatever" I will go talk with him. We stayed about an hour and a half and just talked....there was no weirdness, or awkwardness, or lulls in conversation and he seemed perfectly nice...BUT there was no chemistry (at least on my end). Three days after the date, he starts emailing me like crazy. I answered some of his emails but just kind of let it die out. I haven't heard from him since.

Date number two was with a guy named Jeff. After emailing with him for a bit, I decided to give him my number also. We arranged a lunch date at a restaurant in my town. Jeff is a better fit for me because he has kids (4 of them) whereas Joe has never been married or had kids. I met with him and we went into the restaurant. AGAIN, this guy looks nothing like his profile picture (maybe 10 years prior). We had a nice conversation and he seemed perfectly nice, but again, no chemistry on my part. Jeff has been sending me text messages, and I answer some, but he may be getting the hint I am not really interested.

All the other guys I was emailing with, I just kind of stopped!

I was married for 11 years, and it has been such a long time since I have dated, I am not really sure what I am doing. For the life of me, I can't remember really how things started with any prior boyfriend. I guess the important thing is I know what I DON'T want, but not really sure what it is that I want. I hope it comes "when I least expect it" after all, that is how I met my husband. One thing I have noticed about dating this time around is that I certainly don't feel like I am in a rush to meet someone. Maybe because I am OK with life by myself, I have a child and don't want more....I can't really pinpoint it, but it is a good feeling...not putting pressure on myself. I would LOVE to meet someone great, but if I don't, that's OK too.

Let's Talk About Sex!

Today I am feeling a little anxious, and I think I know the reason why! One year ago tomorrow was the last time I saw this guy I was dating.....and the last time I had sex! This guy, I'll call him "Danny" because his name IS Danny. Danny was a former boyfriend of mine, a guy I dated when I was 23-24 years old. He is also a mortician, and the reason I remember the date is because it was the night before my mom's memorial service and her cremains were going to be buried and at the last minute, I decided I wanted to keep some, so he came over with his little urns, and got me some.

The way Danny and I reconnected was he ran into a friend of mine, and asked about me. He gave this friend his phone number and asked for him to pass it along to me. Of course, I didn't get it until about a month after the friend ran into him, but in any case, when I did get it, I called Danny and we made a lunch date. I hadn't seen him in more than 20 years. We went to lunch, chit chatted about old times, and we may have even gone out for lunch a second time.....I really don't remember. Then I never heard from him again. No biggie. This all occured around March 2008.

Fast forward to November 2008, I am with the same friend that Danny had run into months before. I had just come out of the movie theather with K. and two of her friends and we decided to go to Starbucks. While standing there talking with the guy, in walks Danny best friend. I had never met him, but had heard of him. The guy I was with introduced us. I said, "Oh, you are Danny's friend", and this guy replies "yes, you should call him, he talks about you all the time." (I had changed my cell phone number and didn't send Danny the new number because I never heard from him anyway). So I sent Danny a text that night and he called me the next day. We made plans for lunch again.....and that was the beginning.....

Danny kept asking me to lunch, and I kept going. He was married, but claimed that his marriage had been over for more than 4 years and they had been living separate lives for that long if not longer. (The girl he is married to, he dated for a short time, she got pregnant, they had a child who is now 19, both dated other people after the kid was born, got married when the child was 9, in the year 2000, when Y2K was going to end the world....that is the story I got). At lunch, he would complain how miserable his life was....I really felt bad for him. He was asking me to lunch so much that I actually turned him down for a couple of them because I started to get uncomfortable....our lunches had become increasingly longer.....

Late January 2009, I am going out for the night. I never really go out, but this was an event that a lot of people from my high school would go to. At one of our lunches, I mentioned this to Danny. He said, he was going to come. I was nervous and excited because I hadn't gone out with him at night....ever. He did show up and we talked for a while, then he had to leave. I walked outside with him and we ended up making out.....really making out! That was the beginning of the relationship I shouldn't have been in.......

The lunch dates picked up to at least 4 times a week, always ending with us making out.....Sex soon followed (yes, I was having sex with him the first time I dated him too). And instead of going out to lunch, a lot of the time we were coming to my house. Then he started coming over at night too.....something I didn't want because I live with my dad, BUT he kind of broke down any rules I tried to instill...and my dad goes to bed at 9, so he would be here at 9:05. In my marriage, my sex life was BORING, then non-existant. I think the marriage was over long before I left. It wasn't that I didn't love Charlie, I just wasn't "in love" with him. Actually, I knew before I married him that I was bored with the sex, but accepted that. In any case, Danny was definitely not boring. During this whole time, Danny would stare me straight in the eyes and tell me how he was "in love" with me. At first, he had a 10 year plan for us.....then it was that he was "in love" with me but wished he could get his heart and his head in the same place. Then, towards the end of us, it was he has so much to lose financially if he left his marriage. I see NOW where it was going....but at that time, I was just hanging on to hope. I didn't think anyone would ever be interested in me....I had really let myself go....I looked like crap because I was massively overweight and depressed, so I just didn't care. So I saw him on June 10th, after that night, I talked to him every night on the phone for probably 1/2 hour or more.....then one day, I just didn't hear from him....I didn't hear from him for 8 days in a row....he never went that long without calling. While down at the shore, visiting a friend for the weekend, he called and said he had the worse week of his life and it had nothing to do with me and he loved me. He wanted to make plans for that Sunday or Monday night to go out. I accepted his apology and looked forward to finding out what was bothering him. He even called me twice that night.....come the next night, Sunday, no call.....no call on Monday either. I texted him about my frustration and hurt. Then his best friend calls me....he explains that Danny is going to call me soon to explain things, but I need to stop texting.....ARE YOU FRICKIN KIDDING ME???? He had his friend call me??!! (BTW, Danny is the same age as me). I couldn't believe it.....I called Danny's phone and left him a message that thanked him for having his friend call me, but we are not in Jr. high school and to grow some balls and call me himself.....or NEVER call again.....He called me 15 minutes later. He said he couldn't do what he was doing anymore....He gave me some bullshit reason, and said we would go out for a beer soon and he would explain everything. Later on, I found out he had moved back in with his wife. (He had moved out and was living at his parents house during the middle of our relationship....he hated every minute of that).

There is good and bad in this story. The bad being, 1. I allowed myself to get involved with someone who was married, which is totally against my morals. 2. I wonder if I was just a "booty call" though I really don't think so. 3. And I was totally crushed and devastated which was the very last thing I needed amidst my already depressing life. The Good is: I know I can fall in love again....and it is great!! I enjoy sex...alot. And most importantly, for me to have a backbone and not let any guy walk all over me or call all the shots like he did! I am a stronger person today because of it!

Authors Note: We did NOT have sex every time we saw each other....but alot!!!

Thank God for Friends!

It is Memorial Day Weekend! Please keep those who have died for our country in your prayers!


I want to thank God for good friends! K. and I have been invited to a friends beach house this weekend....and we are going!! This woman owns a beach house on the Jersey shore, so for two nights and days, we will be doing the beach and the pool and the boardwalk, and the amusement parks....best thing, it won't cost me a whole lot...and K. gets to have some fun!! Financially, it is hard for me to go on vacations, or weekends away because quite frankly, it costs a lot of money. Back in April, for K.'s Spring Break, we drove to Washington DC on a Thursday to come back on Saturday....that is 2 nights in a hotel, gas, food, souvenirs...about $900. I had just got my tax return, which is why I could do that...I really shouldn't have done it, BUT K. doesn't really ever get to do anything. This was a great opportunity because one of my childhood friends who lives in a different state was coming with her 2 daughters (around the same age as K.) and I took a good friend of ours with me (she needed some "get away" time) so we all had a wonderful time. I really appreciate the times that we can get away.....and I appreciate those who make it possible!

Have a safe weekend!!!

The Days Before Charlies Death! Start @ 8/26 and work your way up to 9/8 or it will make no sense! ☺

It's all in the title!

September 8, 2008~The Funeral & The Burial

I get up early on Monday, September 8th, so I can take a shower and deal with the commute to Charlies town, which will surely take more than the 1/2 hour it usually takes because of work traffic. There is something going on at the funeral home at 8:45 that I didn't plan on attending. I knew it would be hard enough to get to the church by 9 am for the service. I wake K. up and she gets dressed. She really doesn't want to go. She is sad she is missing her 4th day of school and for a funeral too. Alas, I play mom again, and tell her she has to go. We get in the car and go. We arrived at the church, just as the hearse is pulling up. I quickly park the car. At Charlies church, the way they do it is the hearse comes with the casket, and the pallbearers take the casket out while the church bells ring and everyone watches. They move the casket into the church and open it up. K. and I proceed to the front of the church. The open casket is right by us and I can tell K. is getting anxious. I ask her if she wants to move and she said yes. We go to the back of the church and sit with K's adult cousin Lisa and her two kids. K. plays with the little kids almost the entire service. I think she needed that. Toward the very end of the service, everyone in the church files through to go by the casket to say goodbye, one final time, before the lid is closed forever. K. and I are in line and my brother and sister in law are right in front of us. K. gets up to the casket and starts sobbing and saying "bye daddy, I Love You!" She was standing there looking at him but my sister-in-law, though trying to be helpful, was trying to pull her away. I kind of shooed her along and let K. stay for a few more seconds. I said my goodbye and we walked back to our seats. After the congregation all passed the casket, the priest says a prayer, and may have put some holy water on him and closes the casket.

We all follow the hearse to the cemetery, blowing through every red light. Once there, we were all given flowers to eventually be put on top of the casket after it is slightly lowered into the ground. Family was given roses and everyone else got carnations.....Guess what I got???? WRONG! I got a rose! But K. got a carnation so I gave her my rose! The prayers were said, the flowers put on top of the half lowered casket, the priest takes some dirt with a shovel and puts a cross on the casket, then we all left. I guess the burial part is done after everyone leaves.

Now we are headed to some Italian Restaurant for the luncheon or repast. I sat amongst some of Charlies cousins, and K. sat with her Nana and aunts and the priest and his wife. That was fine by me,.....wherever she felt comfortable. I think lunch ended about 2:30 and we headed home. K. was wondering if she could go for the last few minutes of school....we didn't get back in time. It was a long, long, long two weeks and I was exhausted!!!!!

September 7, 2008~The Viewing

Wakes and funerals are not my thing! Then again, I don't think they are many peoples thing! Sunday, September 7 was the day of Charlies viewing. There would be 2 sessions, 2 to 4pm and 7 to 9pm. The family was allowed to come 15 minutes prior to each session to pay their last respects first. I was extremely nervous. Not only because I hate open casket wakes, and because it is my husband lying in a coffin, and I have an extremely hurt 9 year old to deal with, but also because today is the day I am going to see Charlies whole family. All 70+ of them from cousins, aunts, uncles, nieces and nephews. All these people who have heard how I left him. Several of these people privately told me I did the right thing, many of them didn't care either way, but some believed Charlie. In any case, I knew it would be a "strange" kind of day for me.

K. and I arrived a little before 2. We walked in the foyer and Jim (the former priest) immediately came to K. He is very comforting to both she and I, as I am sure, as a former priest, he is well trained in what to do for people. K. walks holding Jims hand and goes right up to the casket. She is bawling. She kneels by her dad and has a small conversation, says a prayer, then walks away. In the casket with Charlie is the card and the pictures that K. had taken to the hospital for him. And on the stand, right next to his coffin, is the puny flower arrangement from K. The small, little pitiful Charlie Brown flower arrangement, amongst all the big wreathes and bouquets from everyone else. What can you do? Jim comes and gets me. I am already bawling. I think it was the shock of seeing Charlie in a casket. That, and knowing my K. is hurting. I go up to the casket and kneel down and say a prayer and leave. Next dilemma, where do I go? In the viewing room they have a love seat and two big comfy chairs to each side of the love seat for family. Sitting in those seats are his mom, his two sisters, a couple of nieces and Jim. I think, am I supposed to sit up there or go find a seat in the back. I was, after all married to him, and though separated, still married to him. I left him because of his alcoholism, it wasn't because I cheated or he cheated or loss of love. I just couldn't go on living with his alcoholism which made it impossible for him to provide for us, hold a job, deal with reality or life. It wasn't fair to me. It wasn't fair to K. It wasn't living. No one seemed to care where I sat, so I took a seat in one of the middle rows. I hate being the center of attention anyway. Many people came to the viewing. They would go up, say their prayer, go talk to his "family" (me, not included), and sit. Some people acknowledged me with a nod or wave....but not many. I was grateful when my childhood friends Kim, Diane and Sheila showed up. They humored me for the hour or so they were there. Throughout the viewing, K. got brave. She must have gone up to the casket 20 times to kneel over her dad. She got the point where she was touching his hand (I have never done that). At one point, she came over where I was sitting with Kim, Diane & Sheila and said "Mom, I touched dad's face, he's really cold." I cringed a little, but it was Sheila who said "Oh honey, don't do that, he has makeup on and it will get all over you." I don't know why I thought that was funny....maybe the way Sheila said it. K. didn't listen, she still wanted to touch her dad.

Between the two viewings, there was a 3 hour "break." Someone from the family informed me that they were going back to the "center" to have dinner that had been arranged by the church's women's auxiliary group. The "center" is a large banquet room which is owned by Charlies church. I had planned to go home for that time, but asked K. if she wanted to go to the center, and she said yes. I contemplated leaving her there with Charlies family and meeting up with them at the second service, but decided I would go and stay also. I figured at least some of his family is nice to me, so I will have someone to talk to. We got there at 4 ish and dinner was out and buffet style. I remember eating fried chicken. Unfortunately, we were all done eating in about 45 minutes tops.....so there was more than 2 hours till we go back for the second viewing.....that may have been the longest 2 hours of my life.

We all arrived a little before 7 for the second viewing. Again, we went in and each of us went up to the casket to say a prayer.....it is not so shocking the second time around. The family took their seats in the front, and I sat toward the back. At 7:30 the priest comes in to conduct a small service. In the Ukrainian Orthodox Church, Charlies religion, they use a lot of incense. The priest has this swinging ball thing with bells on it (I don't mean to offend, but I don't know what it is called) and this thing disperses a powdery incense. So between the scent and the powder, in an enclosed area, it is a bit overwhelming. The priest conducts this 20 minute service and then, it is back to the viewing. Right after the service, at about 8 pm, in comes two of Charlies childhood friends Martha and MaryJo. Martha and Charlie grew up together. Her dad was a priest at the church until he died in the late 70's (Priests in the Orthodox church are allowed to be married, and have kids). MaryJo was an ex-girlfriend of Charlies. They dated for a long time, but both had serious issues with drinking and the relationship didn't work out for them (to the relief of several people, who said that their relationship was a disaster waiting to happen). But Charlie and MaryJo remained very good friends. So Martha and MaryJo come in and MaryJo starts wailing....and I am not kidding! You would have thought that she was his widow and the death was completely unexpected. Not only is she making a spectacle of herself with her wailing and throwing herself over the coffin (a slight exaggeration, but not by much), she find our daughter K. and starts hugging her and screaming and crying. Naturally, this upset K and she starts crying. Someone from Charlies family had the good common sense to get K. away from MaryJo.....only because they got there before I reached them. Once I removed K. from that situation, she was fine again.

We left a little bit before the end. We had a half hour ride home, it was a long day, and we had to be at the church by 9 the next morning.

September 6, 2008~Funeral Arrangements/Obituary

Charlies family was taking care of the funeral arrangements. For this, I was grateful because I had NO money to support ourselves, let alone dish out thousands of dollars for a funeral. No one even asked me any questions or my input, which was fine by me. The family chose a funeral home. They were going to use the funeral home run by the priests sons (not TOO much of a conflict of interest). They chose a casket, and viewing times. They chose the service to be held at his church. He was going to be buried with his dad, a plot that was meant for his mom. They wrote the obituary. They called me and told me the times for the viewings on Sunday, and the funeral on Monday. They asked that I come 15 minutes early to each viewing time (there were 2). At this time, they also asked me to have flowers sent from K. They were going to the florist and would get some from her, but thought it would be nice it I did it instead. I told them I would. I had saved about $100 for the start of school. First day always costs some $$ because you have to sign up for the school newletter, bagel and pizza days, get a school shirt....and anything else that pops up. I start calling some florists in his town. Minimum order is $35 + delivery. I didn't want to be cheap, but I had no money. So I ordered an arrangement, asked them to put a "DAD" bow on it, and sent a loving card from K.

Charlies obituary ran in the newspaper on Saturday, September 6th. He lived in a county one over from the county I live in, so I had to read it online (that local paper can not be bought in my county, I don't think). In the listings of survived by, his mom was listed first. I, surprisingly, was listed 2nd and listed as his wife. I am positive that if Elaine had her way, I would not have been listed at all. K, was listed 3rd. What shocked me was where the family asked donations to go to. And that was the church! Yes, the church with the crooked priest! I WAS PISSED! They all knew that Charlie didn't have a pot to pee in, was not paying child support, had no life insurance policy, already owed me thousands in back child support and half of our severly asthmatic and allergy ridden daughter doctors and medicine bills, who had no health insurance, so all her meds were being paid out of pocket, usually my parents pockets. How could NO ONE think of K, his only daughter. Many people who die and have young children ask "In lieu of flowers, please donate to the childs college education." Instead, their crooked priest was getting an addition put on his Florida home. The next day, I said something to Jim, Charlies brother in law about this. Later, he got back to me. Apparently, the funeral home (the crooked priests sons) asked Charlies mom where she wanted donations to go to. She was so overwhelmed, she said she would think about it....but didn't get back to them. The funeral home made the decision for her where donations would go to. I was a little comforted that she didn't decide that.

September 5, 2008~4:07 am~The Call Comes!

I went to bed on Thursday night but am not sure that I really fell into a deep sleep. I KNEW that sometime during the night, I would be receiving a call telling me that Charlie had passed away. I had that phone right by my ear! And then it came. At 4:07 in the morning, someone from the hospital called and told me that Charlie had passed at 4:05 am. I thanked them for calling and hung up. I am pretty sure that I never went back to sleep.

8:00 am is the time that I wake K. up to go to school. I had to act as normal as possible because she had already told me that she didn't want to know if daddy died on a school day. So that's what I did, acted normal. Actually, I think I was kind of relieved that he had died....because waiting for death SUCKS!!! K. got dressed, ate breakfast, and headed off to school. In a way I felt as if I was deceiving her, but she clearly stated, SHE DIDN'T WANT TO KNOW. I drove her to school and sent her on her way. During the day, I contacted my family and close friends about Charlie's death.

During the day- Kathleen, the hospital psychologist called me to check up on me and to see how K. was handling it. I told her that I hadn't told K. yet. I explained that I talked to her about it and she didn't want to know if her dad died on a school day. Kathleen said I was handling things exactly the right way. That was a relief, because how do you ever know if you are handling things right? She also told me that Charlies mom and Elaine were there when Charlie passed. When I spoke to Kathleen the night before, she had said that Charlies mom wanted to be alone with him when he died. I asked why Elaine was there? Apparently, Elaine took it upon herself to drive back to the hospital that night. Kathleen said there was some disagreement with her mom because she really wanted to be alone with him, but in the end, Elaine stayed, completely disregarding her moms wishes. This doesn't surprise me....what Elaine wants, Elaine gets.

3:05 pm- back to the school to pick up K. Now I am going to have to tell her. She comes running to the car, and claims she was invited for a play date at her friends house. She seemed so happy, so I said yes! I mean, who wants to change their child's happy mood with the sad news that her dad had died. I really saw no rush in telling her......so she was going to find out a few more hours later than I expected. Time certainly wasn't an issue here...so off she went....to her friends house. I did get out of the car and quickly told her friends mother that K.'s dad had passed away that morning and she didn't know yet. The mother was shocked, but said she wouldn't say anything.

5:00 pm-I head the K.'s friends house to pick her up. She was really happy and had a great play date. The mother and I spoke briefly, and she asked if she could tell her daughter after K. left. I said that was fine.

We get home and after I heard about school and the play date, I tell her the sad news. I said (something like this) "Honey, daddy died this morning and has gone to heaven. I want you know to that he loved you very, very much and will always be watching over us." She cried a little, but I really think that she had already dealt with the fact it was going to happen. It was much worse when I told her he was going to die. A little while later, one of the girls from the neighborhood came to our door and asked if K. could come out and play. K. wanted to go, so I let her. Before the girls could get to that neighbors house, I called her mom to let her know too......

I knew K. was going to be okay!!!!

September 4, 2008-The Wait Continues!

Well it is another morning, and I didn't get any calls in the middle of the night! I had been walking around for days with my cell phone attached to me. I took it in the bathroom while I showered. I slept with it right by my ear in case I got "the call" in the middle of the night. I had the volume set as loud as it could go. And I never left my phone....it came with me EVERYWHERE! Kathleen called me during the day and asked how K. and I were doing. K. had been surprisingly strong. She wasn't moping around or crying or really anything. She seemed as her happy old self. And I let her stay that way. She knew that if she wanted to talk about her dad that she could come to me. I would even ask her if she wanted to talk, and she said no....and i wasn't going to push it. Everything with her seemed normal, and I saw no reason to upset her with forcing talk about dad.

Later that night, somewhere between 7 & 8pm, Kathleen called back and told me that the time is coming near. Charlies breathing had changed where he isn't taking as many breaths, and he had stopped urinating. Apparently, these are 2 signs that the end is very, very near. I remember the time because I was outside telling my next door neighbor Heather what was going on....she was the first to know that it was happening soon, because of the timing and my location at the time I received this news. Now I have to go tell K. I went inside and found K. I told her about daddy's changes and it was going to happen soon. I asked her once again, if she wanted to go see him. She said no!!! I tossed around the idea of myself going back to see him...one last time....but after some thought, decided I was ok with the goodbye I gave him on Tuesday night. I asked K. again, if it happens in the middle of the night, does she want to know before school or after? She told me she didn't want to know. She wanted to go to school on Friday so that was it.

I really can't explain to you all how much I admire my daughters ability to deal with death and make her own decisions about how she wants to handle it. Since I hadn't dealt with death of a close relative either, it was kind of a learn as you go experience for both of us. I am happy with the way I handled things during this horrible time. I think that by asking K. questions, and not pushing her, helped both of us deal with it better.

September 3, 2008-First Day of School & The Wait Begins

Wednesday, September 3rd was the first day of school for K. She was 9 and going into the fourth grade! She was in a good mood that morning. Though I hated to bring this up, at breakfast I asked K. if daddy should die while you are in school, do you want me to come get you or find out later? She said she did not want me to get her. At some point during the day, Elaine called and asked me what time K. and I would be coming to the hospital. I am like "WHAT?" (I didn't say that out loud though). I kind of stumbled on my words and told Elaine I would talk to K. when I pick her up and call back. My initial thought was I don't want to go back there. We said our goodbyes. He is in a coma and can't speak to us anyway. BUT I was going to leave it up to K. If she wanted to go back, then we were going to go!

I picked K. up at school. She said she had a wonderful day, loved her new teacher and her new class. She probably told me about all the stuff they would be learning throughout the year. We got home and I told K. that Aunt Elaine had called and wants to know if you want to go back and see dad. Her answer was NO! I asked her if she was sure....and she was! And that was the end of it. There would be no begging from me to go. Personally, I didn't see the point in going again, but as I said, it was completely up to K. Both K. and I were grateful that we got the opportunity to say goodbye to Charlie. For me, it was a great thing to get that closure. Some people, like his sister Elaine, can sit in a hospital room and just wait for him to die. I am not like that. I don't feel there is any benefit to K., me or Charlie to go again. I called Elaine back and said that we would not be coming back that day. Just another thing for her to add to her "shit list" on me.....but, oh well! Elaine is one of those super closed minded people, that if you don't see things as she sees them, or do the things that she thinks is right, then you are wrong.

I am thankful that Kathleen the psychologist was going to contact me when Charlie passed, because if it was left up to his family, particularly Elaine, I probably would not find out.

September 2, 2008~Saying Our Final Goodbyes to Charlie

Around 8pm on September 2nd, I got a call from Charlies sister Elaine telling me that he had been moved to a room and that I could bring K. up to see him. I immediately called my brother and sister-in-law who were on "standby" to come meet me at the hospital. I told K. that we had to go. She really didn't want to. Rarely do I force my daughter to do something she doesn't want to because I hated that when I was growing up....but there are some things in life when it is necessary that I do so. I explained to her that this would be the last time we see daddy alive, the last time she can hug & kiss him and talk to him. She accepted my reasoning. (K. is a very bright girl who is mature beyond her years....and I am so thankful for that). We headed to the hospital. My brother and his wife did the same. Their ride was a little bit longer than ours, but we planned to meet in the lobby. Keep in mind that not only do I have to say goodbye to the man I was married to, and tend to a young girl who has to say goodbye to her dad, BUT his family is there, who I haven't seen since May 2007 when I filed for divorce, who are still (as far as I know) pissed at me for leaving him. It was truly an overwhelming situation! K. and I enter the lobby to wait for my brother and sister-in-law and who should be waiting for us...or I should say waiting for K., was Elaine. She immediately ran up to K. and hugged her (and barely said hello to me) and started to head for the elevator to go up to Charlie's room. I explained that I wanted to wait for my brother, but she didn't want to hear that....and continued walking with K. I was not going to let my daughter go without me, so I headed up too. Talk about the most uncomfortable elevator ride ever..... Thank God it was only 1 floor! Somewhere in that short period of time, I texted my brother to tell him to come directly to the room. We got off the elevator with Elaine still holding K.'s hand and practically dragging her. We rounded the corner and there are some of his family members. At that time, the people who were there were his mom, his other sister Glor and her husband Jim, Glor's two grown daughters and their priest from church. There may have been some other members of the family there...I am unsure. Elaine takes K. into Charlies room, leaving me behind. It was so uncomfortable for me and all I wanted was for me to take K. in to see him...but it was too late, K. was already in. She was screaming and crying "Daddy, I love you...Don't ever forget that...OK?" I followed in right after and saw him there. He was breathing heavy (for the benefit of K. they had removed his breathing mask). I went right up to him and started to caress his head. I told him I loved him and that it was ok to go now. It was amazing to me that all the anger I had toward him, disappeared at that moment and all I could feel was the love I had for him. During this, his family is still in the room, but someone suggested that I get some time alone with Charlie.....and by alone, that means the priest still stayed. Everyone but the priest left the room. I don't like Charlies priest, never really did. I think he is cold and a crook who swindles money out of his (mostly older)parishioners for his beach house in FL. I stood there and spoke with the priest who was still as cold as ever. Since K. had left the room, and Charlie had very labored breathing, I suggested that we put his breathing mask back on to which the priest states "six of one, half dozen of another...it really doesn't matter." What an ASS! Then he goes on to tell me that he knew Charlie was drinking...he caught him coming out of the liquor store. When the priest confronted Charlie, he said he was in buying a soda. He also told me that when he spoke with Charlie before his surgery (I am unsure whether this was in person or by phone), Charlie told him "I don't want to die." The priest is telling me this and now telling me "Oh well, look what has happened." I left with the priest, a card K. had made for Charlie, and two pictures of her & her dad. After a while, I went into "The Family Room" a kind of den looking room with couches and a coffee table, a fish tank and maybe even a TV. I met with Kathleen, a psychologist on the hospital staff who helps people dealing with death. She had already met with K., given her a childrens book about death, and a big peacock feather and a shell both of which were decorations for the room, but she allowed K. to take them. Kathleen spoke to me about what to expect in Charlies impending death. She told me, he could die in a few hours or a few days. She explained the process to me. She asked me if I wanted to be contacted when he passes and of course I said yes. She told me that Elaine was upset that I was going to be asked if I wanted to be contacted, because apparently Elaine didn't think I deserved that right. Kathleen told Elaine, that I am still legally his wife and mother to his daughter. If Charlie should pass when no one is around, then I was to be the second one contacted, right after his mother. This pissed Elaine off even more as she was not on the list!
After I spoke with Kathleen, I went into the hallway, where his family, most of whom I hadn't spoke with in more than a year, were standing. My brother and sister-in-law were there by that time too (Thank God). Jim, Glor's husband, pulled me aside. Jim is a good guy. He was a catholic priest for 20+ years, until he met Glor, a teacher at the Catholic School he administered to. He left the priesthood and got married. Jim hugged me and apologized from him and Glor for not speaking to me for the past almost year and a half. He said "The liver doesn't lie, and I can't even imagine what you went through." FINALLY, someone was seeing that I was not the bad guy in this situation, but just trying to do the right thing for my daughter and myself. It wasn't for a lack of love I left Charlie, but the path that he put all of our lives on. It wasn't pretty! Glor also hugged and spoke to me as did her two daughters. Elaine still was pissed at me. Charlies mom and I always had a decent relationship. Mostly because when I moved up to NJ from GA (she lives in NJ too, about 30 minutes away from me), Charlie was still in GA. She remained friendly with me because she thought she would never see K. if she didn't. I would NEVER do that. K. loves her Nana. Nana doesn't drive anymore, so it was entirely on me to get K. over to see her. I made every effort to. K. and I would go over and get her to go out to dinner, when K. had a soccer game, I would drive over to her home, get her and bring her back to my town so she could watch K. play. I made sure K. called and kept a relationship with her Nana. So, as long as other family members (from Charlies side) were not around, my mother-in-law and I had a decent relationship.

Before leaving the hospital that night, Katie and I both went into Charlies room and said one final goodbye..............

We had to get home, school was starting the next day!

September 2, 2008~Telling K. Her Dad is Going to Die!

One of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life, is tell my daughter that her dad is going to die.

It was a beautiful sunny early September day and K. is all excited to start 4th grade. She got the teacher she really wanted, had her two best friends in the same class with her, had all her new school supplies and new clothes ready to go.....She was psyched!!! She knew her dad was sick and in the hospital. She knew she hadn't talked to him in a week, but she didn't know that he couldn't be fixed!

I brought K. down into the kitchen and asked her to sit down. I held her little hands and said (something like this) "Honey, you know that daddy is very sick, and he has been in the hospital, and we haven't been able to talk to him" she responded that she knew that, I said "well, this time the doctors can't help him, he is too sick and he is going to die." Her little heart broke right then and there....she started screaming "Why God? Why Jesus? Why do you have to take my dad?" I explained that he is going to be in a room where we can go see him, but he is still in a coma. I told her that he will know we are there, but he won't be able to talk to us. I told her that Aunt Elaine is going to call when Daddy is put in his room and then we could go visit him. She really didn't want to do that. She asked if she could go to her room....and I told her to just holler if she needed me. The rest of the day she spent crying and watching TV.

Now I have to inform K.'s school about our situation. This is only her 2nd year at this school. I drove up to the school because 1. I didn't want to talk on the phone in front of K. 2. I knew the secretaries and teachers would be there as school was starting the next morning. I walked in and spoke to Lucy the secretary and told her what was going on. She was shocked and very sympathetic and promised to get K. in immediately with the school counselor. K's teacher was not in at that time (I had never even met her) but she did call me at home a little while later. I told them all what was going on and if K. isn't in school for the first day and I forget to call, you will know what happened.

I had no idea what to expect when Charlie was taken off life support. I just assumed that he would die shortly after......

September 2, 2008~The Decision to Remove Life Support

On Tuesday, September 2nd, Charlies Mom & sisters made the heart wrenching decision to remove him from life support. He had been in a coma for 6 days, he wasn't responding to anything or anyone, his liver was nearly dead and he needed a transplant, he would never walk again...there was no hope. I know Charlie and he would never want to live that way.

His sister Elaine, the one who still to this day blames me for leaving him, called me mid morning on Tuesday to tell me the news. It was horrible. I remember saying "Is he going to die?" Even though, I had spent the whole day on Monday crying because I thought he was going to die, now it was inevitable.

Elaine told me that they are removing life support and he will be moved to palliative care, a unit that houses patients that are going to die. She asked me if I would bring K. up once he is in his room in palliative care. The staff did not want a 9 year old girl to come see her dad with all the machines still hooked up. Elaine said she would call me back once he is moved in......

Now, I have to figure out a way to tell our daughter that her dad is going to die......and to top it off, her first day of 4th grade is the next day!

August 27-September 1, 2008~Charlie in a Coma

August 27th was the day that Charlies spine was operated on. Through CT scans or MRI's or some kind of x-raying device, the doctors thought that they had found a mass on his spine. When they went in to do the surgery, what they found was that his spine had collapsed. He had had a staph infection in July of 2007, and apparently the infection was still in him and had eaten away at his spine. The doctors did the best they could and put metal rods in his spine, but chances were slim that he was going to ever walk again. I hadn't even known that he had gone through surgery. I had called during the day to check up on him, but got his voicemail. When he didn't call K. that night (he NEVER missed a call to her), I called and texted him....and got no response. It wasn't until the next day, I caught his mom at home and she told me he had surgery and was in a coma (my understanding was it was a medically induced coma). I think his mom was in a little bit of denial because she didn't make it seem all that serious. She told me that even though he was in a coma, they pinched his foot (or feet) and he responded.

Friday, August 29th, 2 days after the surgery, the doctors met with my mother-in-law to explain to her that he most likely won't walk again. This pained me greatly. Charlies mom was 81 and she was going to get stuck taking care of him. I still wasn't divorced from him and even thought about going back, but it would be only to take care of him. I thought about how hard that would be for me taking care of a child and a paraplegic. I thought about our wedding vows, "In sickness and in health", I felt like I was bailing on him. But I wasn't bailing on him because he was sick, I had left before he got sick. I was trying to put everything in perspective....I was stuck!

On Saturday, August 30th, the doctors called Charlies mom in again. This time, she took a cousin with her, so that there were 2 sets of ears listening. (She was in a bit of denial, and either not hearing the bad about his condition, or not relaying it). The cousin, Tom, took accurate notes on everything that was discussed. After the meeting, Tom went home and typed it up and e-mailed it to Charlies 2 sisters, and many cousins, nieces and nephews. It must have read really bad to all of them, because the 2 sisters, Elaine who lives in GA, and Glor and her husband Jim, who live in AL, started the drive to NJ. I was not let in on this information because when I filed for divorce, he told his family some things which they held against me. (Not all of his family members, but some of them). The biggest thing being that he was not drinking and that he made a lot of money and I spent it all. I don't know how they could believe that when we were always "borrowing" money from both his family and mine and still had our house foreclosed on....but whatever! But the truth did come out, because while the doctors were operating on his spine, they found that he had end stage cirrhosis and that he needed a liver transplant. Since he did not have a living will authorizing anyone to make decisions for him, he was the only one who could sign for it and he was in a coma. I would talk to my mother in law and get little pieces of information, but not a lot. The hospital staff strongly suggested that K. NOT come to the hospital because Charlie was hooked up to all types on machines and ventilators.

On Sunday,August 31st, Charlies friend Will, who I work for (at home) and who is best friends with Charlies cousin, emailed me the report that Tom had typed up for the family. As soon as I got it, I was on WebMD looking up information on everything on there.....After I did my research, I knew he was going to die. It was just my gut feeling.

Monday, September 1, I cried all day. I just couldn't stop. I certainly couldn't tell K. why I was crying because I am not a doctor, I didn't know for sure...but I knew. I may have talked to my parents about it, but I am not sure. I was beside myself. I remember feeling really angry at him. I was feeling that he cheated his daughter and cheated me. I was pissed that he drank. He was 4 when his dad died and knew what it was like not to have a dad around and he did the same thing(his dad was also an alcoholic, but he died of a heart attack because he didn't take care of his blood pressure). I was mad, sad, and hurt all at the same time....now it was just a waiting game.....waiting to see if he miraculously recovers...or not!

August 26, 2008~The Last Time Charlie Saw Us!

August 26, 2008-a Tuesday was the last time that Charlie saw me & his daughter. I spoke with him on Sunday night (8/24) when he made his nightly call to talk to our child. From his voice, I could tell he was in a lot of pain. He sounded as if he was crying. I asked him what was wrong and he just explained that he couldn't get comfortable. He said it hurt to stand up, he felt like he couldn't breathe when he sat down or laid down. He was waiting for the doctor to call him back. The doctor called and told him he was probably constipated (Charlie stated to me that he hadn't gone to the bathroom in a couple days...and that was not normal for him) The doctor told him to get suppositories. When I spoke to him later, he said that seemed to work...a little. I told Charlie, that if he felt he needed to go to the hospital, to call me and I would take him (he was living with his mother, who doesn't drive). The next day, Monday, August 25th and my mom's birthday, I got a call from him. He had taken himself to the hospital that day and was admitted. I don't remember if he called late, or we had plans but we didn't go see him that day. On Tuesday, August 26th, K. (our daughter) and I headed to the hospital to see Charlie. K. hates hospitals. He was in the hospital when we still lived in Ga, for almost three weeks in July 2007, and then again, while he was living in NJ, in June 2008. For some reason, both K. and I wanted to get him balloons. At this point in my life, he hadn't been paying any child support and my work at home was sporadic at best, so I really had NO money...but decided to take K. to the dollar store before we went to the hospital. There we decided to get a gift bag and pack it with stuff..so we got him a toothbrush and toothpaste, crossword puzzle books and pens, I had brought some of my dad's old Sports Illustrated, and there may have been some other small stuff...ALSO, Charlie was a big Jets fan and at another store I had seen a book on the Jets, which I promised K. we could get for our next visit to him (the store was in the opposite direction of where we were headed). When we got to his hospital room, he was asleep. I gently shook his arm to wake him up. He was very happy to see K. but he looked awful. What really shocked me was he tried to sit up in the bed and had to pull on his legs to move them. I asked him if his legs were working ok...and he said not really. We didn't stay long that day. He was very tired and K. hates hospitals, but we promised to come back in a day or so. On our way out, K. wanted to stop by the gift shop. I told her we could stop in, but I can't buy anything (I think I just had enough money to pay for parking). While we were in there, K. struck up a conversation with an older woman. K. is a very talkative child. She told the lady she had just visited her daddy who was sick. K. had been holding a little stuffed bunny from the gift shop. The lady looked at her and at the bunny and told K. she wanted to buy her the bunny so she can take it when she goes to see her dad again. K. thanked the lady and told her she was going to name it Charles, for her dad. She still has that bunny! K. spoke to Charlie that night. The next morning, he called and left a message on my cell phone voicemail that says "Call me later if you can, or I'll call you, I have another test." I still have it on my voicemail...I just never let 21 days go without renewing the "save" button or it will automatically erase. I called him back and briefly spoke to him. He told me they found a mass on his spine and were going to do surgery either later that afternoon or the next day. Apparently, he was taken to surgery shortly after I spoke with him. He never came out of the coma after his surgery........

Girls Night is Good for our Health! (From a lecture series at Stanford)

A thought to share
... a friend just finished taking an evening class at Stanford. The last lecture was on the mind-body connection--the relationship between stress and disease. The speaker (head of psychiatry at Stanford) said, among other things, that one of the best things that a man could do for his health is to be married to a woman whereas for a woman, one of the best things she could do for her health was to nurture her relationships with her girlfriends. At first everyone laughed, but he was serious.

Women connect with each other differently and provide support systems that help each other to deal with stress and difficult life experiences. Physically this quality "girlfriend time" helps us to create more seratonin--a neurotransmitter that helps combat depression and can create a general feeling of well being. Women share feelings whereas men often form relationships around activities. They rarely sit down with a buddy and talk about how they feel about certain things or how their personal lives are going. Jobs? Yes. Sports? Yes. Cars? Yes. Fishing, golf? Yes. But their feelings?--rarely. Women do it all of the time. We share from our souls with our sisters, and evidently that is very good for our health. He said that spending time with a friend is just as important to our general health as jogging or working out at a gym.

There's a tendency to think that when we are "exercising" we are doing something good for our bodies, but when we are hanging out with friends, we are wasting our time and should be more productively engaged--not true. In fact, he said that failure to create and maintain quality personal relationships with other humans is as dangerous to our physical health as smoking! So every time you hang out to shmooze with a gal pal, just pat yourself on the back and congratulate yourself for doing something good for your health! We are indeed very very lucky. So, let's toast to our friendship with our girlfriends. Evidently it's very good for our health.

Is there really "Happily Ever After?"

Today I went to visit a childhood friend for the day. I have known this woman since we were 9 years old. Through the power of Facebook, I have reconnected with many people from my past. My friend Karen has been married to her husband Jon for 24 years. I have told her this before and told her again today, that I really admire the relationship they have with each other. You can just tell that they truly enjoy being in each others company. Almost every weekend, she posts pictures of the things they did that weekend, whether it was a "Taste of" adventure or a pub crawl, or a weekend away. The point is they are really really happy and with my next relationship (God willing), I hope to have what they have. BUT she said that it has only been in the last 8 or so years that they have gotten to this point in their lives with each other.

On the other hand, I just recently found out that another friend of mine who seemingly had the perfect marriage, caught her husband of 27 years, cheating and they were divorced last year. This came as a shock to me. WHY, after 27 years of marriage would one cheat? I suspect he was cheating all along, but just got caught this time. (he travels alot for business)

Just last week, a kid I know (well, he is 40, but I knew him as a kid, so to me, he is still a kid) stopped to talk to me. I asked him the usual..."what are you up to?" "Are you married?" He told me he was married for 5 years but divorced. They had no children, so he has no contact with his ex-wife. He told me, he just woke up one morning and it was like waking up with a stranger. I can completely relate to this because the man I married was not the same man I filed for divorce from. In my case, Alcohol played the biggest part of Charlies change.

I knew Charlie was an alcoholic when I married him, but he had been sober for at least 4 years and told me he could never drink again. Being a practically a non-drinker myself, I believed that. It was probably 4 years into our 11 year marriage that he started drinking again....started small with some red wine here and there and ended up hiding cheap vodka from me. Apparently he was drinking at least a fifth a day. I can assure you, that drinking that much will change someones personality drastically.

Then I have the friends whose marriages are just there. They aren't really happy, but not really unhappy either. These couples will do things together when it is warranted (holidays, parties, etc) but other than that, they just "co-exist." Also there is alot of complaining about each other. It seems that they have become roomates, more than partners.

I really don't know what the point of this entry is.....maybe my perception of different kinds of marriage??!! I suppose re-entering the single world has me a bit freaked out.....

The Concert...missing Dad!

Last night I attended my daughters school concert. She has been playing the cello for 2 years and every December and May, the kids put on a concert with the other local elementary schools. Toward the end of the concert, the music teacher asked the parents to give a round of applause to the kids for working so hard....which we did! Then she asked the kids to stomp their feet in applause for their parents for being so supportive. It was at this point where I started to tear up, wishing her dad was here to see her. He was so PROUD of her, and even though he struggled with alcoholism, there is no doubt in my mind that he loved his daughter to pieces!!!! There are so many dads out there who seem to abandon their children when a marriage ends. I have seen it in several families. I really don't understand how anyone could do that, especially to a child. Maybe theses dad's (if you want to call them that) become accustom to their new single lifestyle, find a girlfriend or new wife, or are punishing their former wife......who knows??? The point is, just because the relationship ends between a husband and wife, it shouldn't be held against the children. My child doesn't have a dad because he died....but if he were still here, he would make every effort to see her, talk to her, hold her.....every chance he could!

DAD'S......please remember, you are pissed at your former wife.....NOT your kids and they deserve to have a healthy relationship with you!

Online Dating-Yes or No??!!

Yesterday I decided to look at some online dating websites, just to see what is out there. I have heard some wonderful stories about them. My sister met her husband on match.com, and my divorced brother has been in an exclusive relationship for more than a year, with someone he met online (that is after he dated & slept with many women before her...we were very concerned about his 'habits").

I tried online dating this past January..........It lasted 6 days before I took my profile down. I signed up with plentyoffish.com (It is free, so if you are unsure, try this first). I filled out the profile sheet which I found extremely difficult to write about myself when trying to get a date.....BUT I did it and came up with enough stuff to tell. Immediately I started to get messages sent to my "dating inbox." And this is what I found out......I was judging people on their picture, or their incorrect use of grammar (which I do all the time....but this was BAD). I don't think of myself as a judgmental person, BUT when it comes to online dating, that is exactly what it is. It gave me the opportunity to say "NAH" before I had met the person, based solely on their looks or how they wrote about themselves. To me, looks are not nearly as important as the person inside. My husband (a blind date) was not particularly good looking, BUT he was funny and had a great heart. If I had seen his profile online, I probably wouldn't have responded or said 'no thank you." I believe that if I had met one of these guys in a store or a restaurant, and had a conversation with them, I would have gone out on a date, if asked. So, I have to think, Am I missing out on meeting a great guy because he is not good looking???

On the other hand, the profiles being posted by men could be complete bullshit! A guy friend pointed this out to me and sadly, he is right! I found the profile of someone I know and he is a complete jerk, but if you read his profile, you would think he is the greatest thing since sliced bread!!!

Back to my plentyoffish experience. I ended up communicating with 2 guys, one I made a date with, the other, after we communicated quite a bit through e-mail, asked for my number and I completely freaked out.......I told him I don't give out my number (I don't know why I would think that I wouldn't have to give out my number if I am on an online dating website...LOL). I asked him to send me his number and I would call him from a blocked number. He did that. In any case, I chickened out before the date and the phone call.....I e-mailed both of them and just told them I wasn't ready.....and apologized.


Wouldn't it be nice to just find someone and hit if off right from the beginning?

I may be too hopeful! And on this, I hope I am wrong!!

Excuse My Randomness!!! ☺

I had decided to try to keep my blog on the topic of being single and raising a child but chances are very good that I will throw in some random stuff....because that's the way I roll!!!!!

Charlie's Birthday

On Thursday, May 6, it would have been Charlie's 50th Birthday! Charlie was my husband and father to our daughter. The day before his birthday I asked my daughter if she wanted to go to his grave to put balloons on, or she wanted me to go while she was in school. She has this thing about going to his grave, where she doesn't want to go, then she wants to go, then she doesn't.....eventually, she will go but often states that she is just going to stay in the car while we are there. She never does that.

After school, I picked her up and told her we were going to daddy's grave. Immediately, she said she didn't want to go....but I told her she had to, otherwise I would have gone during the day. We headed to the cemetery, about a 20 minute ride, and I was hoping that I could find a dollar store on the way to get balloons so I wouldn't have to go to a florist and spend $5 a balloon. Luckily, we did find a dollar store . We went in and they had an impressive selection of mylar balloons. I let her pick out two. While we were waiting for the balloons to be filled, she found a little teddy bear holding roses and had a heart that said "I Love You" on it. She asked if she could get that too for dad's grave and one similar for herself...of course I let her. We also got some pretty light blue stones to leave on top of the headstone (well, they are little glass things, probably for the bottom of a vase). We always have problems finding stones to leave, but now I have a whole bag of them I will leave in my car for when we visit.

We got the the gravesite and she broke down. It weighs greatly on me to see my daughter in such pain because it is one thing that I can do absolutely nothing about. She often blames the doctors for not helping him (they couldn't) and God. I find it so hard to explain to her that everybody did everything they could.....In time, I hope she believes me.....

Verification Letters??!!

I just published my first post about an hour ago....and really had no intention of posting again today.....BUT I have to because it just happened again.....

WHAT are the verification letters for???? And by verification letters, I mean the little box that comes up when you sign into your bank account and sometimes your email...the mishmash of letters and/or numbers in a box that before you can sign into your account, you have to type those letters in to prove it is you??? I DON'T GET IT!!!......If someone was using my account, can't they see those letters the same way I see them??? Just sayin'

My First Post

Thank you for taking the time to visit my blog!! Until recently, I have never even read a blog but a friend of mine directed me to his blog and I really enjoyed reading it. I spent 2 or 3 days at 3 hours each time, reading all his posts for the past year and a half. I really like the fact that I can write here and recieve comments from you! So, kudos to CLW to getting me started on my path to blogging!!!

As stated in my profile, I am 47 and a widow, raising an 11 year old child. I am a stay at home mom but have been looking for a job for a while. I am very surprised that I can not find employment, but also not so surprised. Though I am college educated, I have been working from home, doing my own thing for the past 11 years. There are so many other people who have more "up to date" skills who are also unemployed. The jobs I worked on at home were for 3 different companies, all in marketing and all have been cut off by their clients, leaving me cut off from them. There was a time where, if I had all 3 jobs going at once, I could easily put in a 16 hour day. I like working from home because your don't have to get dressed up, or drive anywhere, can take lunch when you want and you can get your laundry done during the work day. It also took me years to discipline myself to actually sit down and get the work done. Once I mastered that, I made a pretty decent (but sporadic) living. Now I got nothing!!! I am also in a position, since I am my daughters only parent, and she is still in elementary school, where I need to work close to home in case something happens......

Speaking of home, I don't have my own! Right now, and since August 2007, I have been living in my childhood home with my parents. When I filed for divorce from my alcoholic husband, we were living in GA. I was finally allowed to move back to NJ (I had to ask my parents if me and the kid could live with them), and they said fine. I think my siblings were all relieved for a couple of reasons....1. I was getting out of a shitty marriage, and 2. My mom was really sick, a dialysis patient, and since my dad still commutes to NYC everyday, my 3 siblings who all live in NJ, but at least 1/2 hour away from my parents, were often called by my mom, during the day, if she fell, or had some other mishap. By me living here, it was a relief for all because I got here to and from dialysis 3 days a week, got her to her doctors appointments, made sure she was eating, and when she felt well enough, I was there to take her to meet with her friends for lunch. Sadly, my mom passed away, at home in December 2008. So now my dad is selling this house and my daughter and I are looking for an apartment to live in. The town I presently live in is too pricey for me, so I am looking for other towns, with decent school systems, in NJ.

I really hate the idea of moving my daughter to a new school system again.....which is why I want to do it this summer.....so she can start school at the beginning of the school year.....who knows, maybe I will win the lottery and can stay in this town??!!