K. missing her Dad!

Today has been a weird day with a lot of reminders of Charlie. It is Saturday, so I did my usual walk in the morning, followed by giving K. some breakfast, and then getting ready to run some errands. It started this morning with some song K. was playing on the internet. It was from Veggie Tales...ya know "mashed potatoes mashed potatoes, cold spaghetti, cold spaghetti" that one (I can't remember the name of it). In any case, Charlie used to sing that song to K. when she was younger (probably because it was such a ridiculous song). Throughout the morning and early afternoon, she had been bringing Charlie up. No crying or anything, just kind of asking questions. I asked her if she wanted to go to his gravesite to put balloons or a gift, and she said "NO!" Just now, I walked into her room and she was playing on her computer and it looked like she was crying. I asked her if she was ok, and she said it was just her allergies. Two seconds later, she is in tears and asked if she could her her dad's voice. I have his last message still on my voicemail, from August 27th, 2008, almost 2 years ago....I just always make sure to save it before 21 days is up (otherwise it will automatically erase). I played it for her and she asked "was that him?" It kills me that 1. she is still so hurt and 2. that she had to ask if that was him. I don't want her to ever forget her dad's voice, but she was only 9 when he died, I guess it is bound to happen.

I hate seeing K. so hurt!

Being In A Funk!!

I don't know why, but for some reason I get myself in a bit of a "funk" during the summer. Last summer was far worse, but I seem to have gone back to that "not so great" place again this summer. I think it is a combination of things but mainly not being able to provide entertainment for my daughter. She is out of school now. She suffers from asthma and allergies and has terrible eczema, so she doesn't really enjoy the beach or the pool because it hurts her skin sometimes. I would love to take her to amusement parks, and water parks but everything is really expensive to do. Last summer, I was working part time, so I enrolled her in camp, every other week, which was what I could afford (my whole earnings from that job went to that camp), but this summer, not having a job, I can't do that. Also, during the summer, I don't get any alone time. Sometimes, I just like to be alone.

I started going back to the gym (I took a 3 month break), that definitely lifts my mood. I really enjoy walking outside, but this crazy hot and humid weather is not comfortable for me to walk in....hopefully, I get completely out of this funk soon....things are already looking better.....

Alcoholism-It's a Killer!

Last week, I found out through a former neighbor of mine from Georgia, that another neighbor had died. This lady was 37 years old and was found dead in her bed by her 8 year old son. Apparently, she and her husband were in the process of divorcing and a lot of the reason they were divorcing was because she had become a very heavy drinker. When I lived there, I didn't know her to be a drinker, but I either wasn't paying attention to it or she developed this drinking problem after I left. Drinking may not have caused her to die, and an autopsy is being conducted, but she had no known health issues....so I guess they will find out soon if it was a factor or not. And another young child is left without a mom possibly because of alcohol!

Living with an alcoholic is a disaster for everyone involved. This I know to be true!!! It sucked for Charlie, because he just couldn't get through the day without a drink, it sucked for me, because I felt like I lost the man I married....everything changed, from his personality, to his not being able to support us, to people not wanting to be around, not just him, but myself and K. too BECAUSE of him. It is a horrible diesease and one I can't relate to. Sadly, I don't think Charlie saw the changes in himself. He would blame me for everything, saying that I was the one who changed. Well, there is no doubt about that...I changed because my whole situation had changed because of his drinking and I was trying to deal with it. Bottom Line...ALCOHOLISM SUCKS!

I often wonder what it would have been like if he never picked up the bottle again. I feel bad for me and more so for K. that that is the route he decided to take.