September 4, 2008-The Wait Continues!

Well it is another morning, and I didn't get any calls in the middle of the night! I had been walking around for days with my cell phone attached to me. I took it in the bathroom while I showered. I slept with it right by my ear in case I got "the call" in the middle of the night. I had the volume set as loud as it could go. And I never left my phone....it came with me EVERYWHERE! Kathleen called me during the day and asked how K. and I were doing. K. had been surprisingly strong. She wasn't moping around or crying or really anything. She seemed as her happy old self. And I let her stay that way. She knew that if she wanted to talk about her dad that she could come to me. I would even ask her if she wanted to talk, and she said no....and i wasn't going to push it. Everything with her seemed normal, and I saw no reason to upset her with forcing talk about dad.

Later that night, somewhere between 7 & 8pm, Kathleen called back and told me that the time is coming near. Charlies breathing had changed where he isn't taking as many breaths, and he had stopped urinating. Apparently, these are 2 signs that the end is very, very near. I remember the time because I was outside telling my next door neighbor Heather what was going on....she was the first to know that it was happening soon, because of the timing and my location at the time I received this news. Now I have to go tell K. I went inside and found K. I told her about daddy's changes and it was going to happen soon. I asked her once again, if she wanted to go see him. She said no!!! I tossed around the idea of myself going back to see him...one last time....but after some thought, decided I was ok with the goodbye I gave him on Tuesday night. I asked K. again, if it happens in the middle of the night, does she want to know before school or after? She told me she didn't want to know. She wanted to go to school on Friday so that was it.

I really can't explain to you all how much I admire my daughters ability to deal with death and make her own decisions about how she wants to handle it. Since I hadn't dealt with death of a close relative either, it was kind of a learn as you go experience for both of us. I am happy with the way I handled things during this horrible time. I think that by asking K. questions, and not pushing her, helped both of us deal with it better.

September 3, 2008-First Day of School & The Wait Begins

Wednesday, September 3rd was the first day of school for K. She was 9 and going into the fourth grade! She was in a good mood that morning. Though I hated to bring this up, at breakfast I asked K. if daddy should die while you are in school, do you want me to come get you or find out later? She said she did not want me to get her. At some point during the day, Elaine called and asked me what time K. and I would be coming to the hospital. I am like "WHAT?" (I didn't say that out loud though). I kind of stumbled on my words and told Elaine I would talk to K. when I pick her up and call back. My initial thought was I don't want to go back there. We said our goodbyes. He is in a coma and can't speak to us anyway. BUT I was going to leave it up to K. If she wanted to go back, then we were going to go!

I picked K. up at school. She said she had a wonderful day, loved her new teacher and her new class. She probably told me about all the stuff they would be learning throughout the year. We got home and I told K. that Aunt Elaine had called and wants to know if you want to go back and see dad. Her answer was NO! I asked her if she was sure....and she was! And that was the end of it. There would be no begging from me to go. Personally, I didn't see the point in going again, but as I said, it was completely up to K. Both K. and I were grateful that we got the opportunity to say goodbye to Charlie. For me, it was a great thing to get that closure. Some people, like his sister Elaine, can sit in a hospital room and just wait for him to die. I am not like that. I don't feel there is any benefit to K., me or Charlie to go again. I called Elaine back and said that we would not be coming back that day. Just another thing for her to add to her "shit list" on me.....but, oh well! Elaine is one of those super closed minded people, that if you don't see things as she sees them, or do the things that she thinks is right, then you are wrong.

I am thankful that Kathleen the psychologist was going to contact me when Charlie passed, because if it was left up to his family, particularly Elaine, I probably would not find out.