About This Blog......

Reading back some of my posts, I realize this is just kind of my own personal bitch session....just me reliving the past.....(some other blogs I have read, actually have a point).

I guess it really doesn't matter because I think I am the only one reading it....AND I am getting some closure(?) too.....

Schools Out!!!

Today my daughter completed 5th grade. Next year, she moves onto middle school. It was a half day today and the parents of the 5th graders were invited up to the school 15 minutes prior to dismissal to attend a "5th Grade Clap-Out!" A clap-out is when all the other students in the school line the halls, then the 5th graders march proudly through the halls while everyone claps.....the parents are outside clapping too. It brought me to tears....AGAIN!!! I am a pretty emotional person to begin with, but this year, with all of K.'s accomplishments has almost been too much for me. It is at these times where I wish that Charlie was alive to see it! He would be so so proud!!! I feel so bad for K. too. A lot of fathers attend these things at her school and she definitely notices that. She often says to me how unfair it is that she doesn't have a dad. I still don't know how to react to that, other than tell her how much he loved her, that he is watching her from heaven and that he would be so proud of her. What else can I say?

Just Some Words..........

PAIN taught me PATIENCE, HEARTACHE turned to HOPE, SADNESS became SERENITY, DEVASTATION turned into DETERMINATION, FEAR made me a FIGHTER, LONELINESS allowed me to LOVE, WORRY showed me WISDOM, ALONE has made me ACCEPT.....original 2/10

I borrowed this from a friend of mine.....A good Southern Baptist family whose husband left her for a co-worker of his and got her pregnant. They were married more than 20 years..........

Signs, Signs, Everywhere There are Signs!!

Do you believe in getting signs?? By that I mean, something unusual happens to get your attention! I do believe in it, and this is what happened today. Of course, today being Father's Day, Charlie has been a constant in my mind. I recently cleaned out our garage as we had a townwide junk pickup day last week. In the corner, I have stacked some things of Charlies which were given to me for K. when his mom passed away this past January. Most of it is pictures, yearbooks, old report cards...just a bunch of his personal stuff. I was upstairs in the computer room, which is over the garage and I heard a loud crash. So I went to investigate, and sure enough, a couple of those large plastic containers had toppled over. I really don't know how it happened as they seemed pretty secure and there is no wind, but it happened. So I go over and start picking up the contents that have fallen out. Honestly, when I got the stuff, I just kind of peeked to see what it was but never really wnet through anything. In any case, laying right there on top is a card that I had given Charlie for his birthday in 2002. It had come out of this wooden desk caddy he used and it was the only card in there amongst his checkbook and some desk supply items. I had to read it. It was one of those kind of romantic cards, something I don't normally pick (I usually get a funny card). The card was printed with "For my wonderful husband! I love you for all you are and all you strive to be. You're a very special man, and I'm so proud and happy to be sharing my life with you." And then I wrote "I am so unbelieveably proud of you honey! I couldnot be happier living here! We know you are working so hard for all of us and we appreciate it. I love you with all of my heart. I hope you have a wonderful birthday. Love & Kisses, T." I realized that was when we moved from NJ to SC (for one year). Charlie had always wanted to move south, his two sisters lived in GA & AL and loved it. I was not so sure because my whole family was in NJ. BUT after September 11, 2001 and living so close to New York, I said okay to moving. At that time, I felt very safe with Charlie and assumed everything would be fine. He scheduled a weeklong trip in January 2002 to stay with his sister in GA and look for a job down there. After all, Atlanta was booming with jobs and he was in the mortgage business, a booming business to be in also. He went to Atlanta, arranged interviews, went on interviews and on his last day there, drove up to Greenville, SC for an interview. That was the job he really wanted (and he was offered it), so that is the one he took. Being in the mortgage field is usually a commission only job, so pay is always sporadic, but this job had a base salary (and a good base salary) and commission. We were all thrilled. We packed up and moved to SC in March 2002 and Charlie started his new job. Moving to SC was to be the start of Charlie revisiting his alcohol addiction. We lived in a duplex and our duplex neighbors just happened to be from NJ also. We hit it off with them right away. BUT Charlie and Wayne (the neighbor) would sit out on the porch with their beer every night and drink. I don't think Charlie was a beer drinker before, but maybe this was his way to be "social." On top of that, he hung out with and played golf with, several of the guys from work....all drinkers. That job only lasted 6 months as Charlie went to work one day and there was a sign on the door that they were "out of business." We soon read in the newspaper that the 3 owners were going to jail for some mortgage scam. His boss at this company found a job in the Atlanta area and offered Charlie a job with him, which is how we ended up in GA.

Back to the card I found today, I realized that was probably the last time I was truly proud of my husband. The last time he was the man I married, because once that drinking started, everything was about to change............(I may have given him that card because I was starting to lose faith in him and didn't want to.)

Father's Day!

This year will be K.'s second father's day without a father. It is kind of a weird day for us, because I am not sure what to do. Quite frankly, I don't remember what we did last year, but I am assuming that we did something with my father, K.'s grandfather. One thing I am kind of thankful for is that in K.'s school, they don't do anything special for fathers day. On mothers day, they hold a plant sale and every year, other than this year (5th grade), they made something for the mom's in class. K. is having a hard time this year. She just doesn't want to celebrate it at all, even with my dad. Charlie's sister Elaine in in NJ now and offered to have K. go with her to a family function in PA, but K. doesn't want to go, so she will just go and have breakfast with Elaine tomorrow morning.

There isn't really anything to say here, but if you are a dad (applies to mom's too) just make sure your kids know how much you love them for you never know when you will be gone. I am lucky that K. knows how much her dad loved her.....

Happy Father's Day!

Online Dating~Part 2

OK...it has been a year since my disaster dating situation, something I should have been over in about a day, but I guess I like to take my time....LOL!(though it really isn't funny at all).

As I stated in an earlier post, I tried online dating back in January. OK, so I only left my profile up for 6 days, and actually never went on a date....but I tried! Well, a couple of weeks ago, I reposted my profile on the same dating website and left it up for a little more than 2 weeks(I have since taken it down). I am not really sure what to think of online dating. Do I think it is a great way to meet single people? Yes. There are good single men out there who are looking for a good woman, just like there are good women looking for a good man, so online dating is a good way to put these people together. Sounds easy....but it is not.

The way I do the whole online dating thing is I post my profile and see who responds. I told my one girlfriend that I was going to go out with anyone who asked. She thought I was nuts! In the two weeks, more than 50 guys sent me emails....40 of them, didn't interest me right from the first hello. One of my biggest pet peeves is a guy that can't write basic English or spell. I can understand a typo or grammatical error (I do it all the time), but I think they should proof read their profile before posting it. I am amazed at how many of these guys there are. In any case, I decided that the idea of going out with everyone was not a good one. There were several who I was interested in and started email relationships with. And so far, there have been 2 whom I have actually gone out with. Joe was the first date. He caught my attention from his first email with something funny, even sarcastic that he said. We emailed for a week or so and I finally felt comfortable enough to give him my phone number. We spoke on the phone and his voice didn't seem to match the picture of him which was posted. He had this high, squeaky voice....but I overlooked that, he still seemed like a nice guy. We made plans for a Saturday night "meeting." I knew from the start that the plan was just to meet for a drink, and Saturday night was the only time he was available so I agreed to it. (Normally, I would only do coffee or lunch on a weekday). I have to say, I was kind of excited to meet him. His picture sure was cute, and he definitely had a good personality. We decided to meet in the parking lot of this bar/restaurant so neither of us would have to wait inside. I got there first. He pulls his car up next to mine and gets out. OMG, he is really short!!! On his profile, he said he was 5'7" (I am 5'2", so that works for me)...but he gets out and he is my height, maybe even shorter. AND doesn't really look like his profile picture~maybe 5-10 years ago he looked like that, but not now. So I think, "whatever" I will go talk with him. We stayed about an hour and a half and just talked....there was no weirdness, or awkwardness, or lulls in conversation and he seemed perfectly nice...BUT there was no chemistry (at least on my end). Three days after the date, he starts emailing me like crazy. I answered some of his emails but just kind of let it die out. I haven't heard from him since.

Date number two was with a guy named Jeff. After emailing with him for a bit, I decided to give him my number also. We arranged a lunch date at a restaurant in my town. Jeff is a better fit for me because he has kids (4 of them) whereas Joe has never been married or had kids. I met with him and we went into the restaurant. AGAIN, this guy looks nothing like his profile picture (maybe 10 years prior). We had a nice conversation and he seemed perfectly nice, but again, no chemistry on my part. Jeff has been sending me text messages, and I answer some, but he may be getting the hint I am not really interested.

All the other guys I was emailing with, I just kind of stopped!

I was married for 11 years, and it has been such a long time since I have dated, I am not really sure what I am doing. For the life of me, I can't remember really how things started with any prior boyfriend. I guess the important thing is I know what I DON'T want, but not really sure what it is that I want. I hope it comes "when I least expect it" after all, that is how I met my husband. One thing I have noticed about dating this time around is that I certainly don't feel like I am in a rush to meet someone. Maybe because I am OK with life by myself, I have a child and don't want more....I can't really pinpoint it, but it is a good feeling...not putting pressure on myself. I would LOVE to meet someone great, but if I don't, that's OK too.

Let's Talk About Sex!

Today I am feeling a little anxious, and I think I know the reason why! One year ago tomorrow was the last time I saw this guy I was dating.....and the last time I had sex! This guy, I'll call him "Danny" because his name IS Danny. Danny was a former boyfriend of mine, a guy I dated when I was 23-24 years old. He is also a mortician, and the reason I remember the date is because it was the night before my mom's memorial service and her cremains were going to be buried and at the last minute, I decided I wanted to keep some, so he came over with his little urns, and got me some.

The way Danny and I reconnected was he ran into a friend of mine, and asked about me. He gave this friend his phone number and asked for him to pass it along to me. Of course, I didn't get it until about a month after the friend ran into him, but in any case, when I did get it, I called Danny and we made a lunch date. I hadn't seen him in more than 20 years. We went to lunch, chit chatted about old times, and we may have even gone out for lunch a second time.....I really don't remember. Then I never heard from him again. No biggie. This all occured around March 2008.

Fast forward to November 2008, I am with the same friend that Danny had run into months before. I had just come out of the movie theather with K. and two of her friends and we decided to go to Starbucks. While standing there talking with the guy, in walks Danny best friend. I had never met him, but had heard of him. The guy I was with introduced us. I said, "Oh, you are Danny's friend", and this guy replies "yes, you should call him, he talks about you all the time." (I had changed my cell phone number and didn't send Danny the new number because I never heard from him anyway). So I sent Danny a text that night and he called me the next day. We made plans for lunch again.....and that was the beginning.....

Danny kept asking me to lunch, and I kept going. He was married, but claimed that his marriage had been over for more than 4 years and they had been living separate lives for that long if not longer. (The girl he is married to, he dated for a short time, she got pregnant, they had a child who is now 19, both dated other people after the kid was born, got married when the child was 9, in the year 2000, when Y2K was going to end the world....that is the story I got). At lunch, he would complain how miserable his life was....I really felt bad for him. He was asking me to lunch so much that I actually turned him down for a couple of them because I started to get uncomfortable....our lunches had become increasingly longer.....

Late January 2009, I am going out for the night. I never really go out, but this was an event that a lot of people from my high school would go to. At one of our lunches, I mentioned this to Danny. He said, he was going to come. I was nervous and excited because I hadn't gone out with him at night....ever. He did show up and we talked for a while, then he had to leave. I walked outside with him and we ended up making out.....really making out! That was the beginning of the relationship I shouldn't have been in.......

The lunch dates picked up to at least 4 times a week, always ending with us making out.....Sex soon followed (yes, I was having sex with him the first time I dated him too). And instead of going out to lunch, a lot of the time we were coming to my house. Then he started coming over at night too.....something I didn't want because I live with my dad, BUT he kind of broke down any rules I tried to instill...and my dad goes to bed at 9, so he would be here at 9:05. In my marriage, my sex life was BORING, then non-existant. I think the marriage was over long before I left. It wasn't that I didn't love Charlie, I just wasn't "in love" with him. Actually, I knew before I married him that I was bored with the sex, but accepted that. In any case, Danny was definitely not boring. During this whole time, Danny would stare me straight in the eyes and tell me how he was "in love" with me. At first, he had a 10 year plan for us.....then it was that he was "in love" with me but wished he could get his heart and his head in the same place. Then, towards the end of us, it was he has so much to lose financially if he left his marriage. I see NOW where it was going....but at that time, I was just hanging on to hope. I didn't think anyone would ever be interested in me....I had really let myself go....I looked like crap because I was massively overweight and depressed, so I just didn't care. So I saw him on June 10th, after that night, I talked to him every night on the phone for probably 1/2 hour or more.....then one day, I just didn't hear from him....I didn't hear from him for 8 days in a row....he never went that long without calling. While down at the shore, visiting a friend for the weekend, he called and said he had the worse week of his life and it had nothing to do with me and he loved me. He wanted to make plans for that Sunday or Monday night to go out. I accepted his apology and looked forward to finding out what was bothering him. He even called me twice that night.....come the next night, Sunday, no call.....no call on Monday either. I texted him about my frustration and hurt. Then his best friend calls me....he explains that Danny is going to call me soon to explain things, but I need to stop texting.....ARE YOU FRICKIN KIDDING ME???? He had his friend call me??!! (BTW, Danny is the same age as me). I couldn't believe it.....I called Danny's phone and left him a message that thanked him for having his friend call me, but we are not in Jr. high school and to grow some balls and call me himself.....or NEVER call again.....He called me 15 minutes later. He said he couldn't do what he was doing anymore....He gave me some bullshit reason, and said we would go out for a beer soon and he would explain everything. Later on, I found out he had moved back in with his wife. (He had moved out and was living at his parents house during the middle of our relationship....he hated every minute of that).

There is good and bad in this story. The bad being, 1. I allowed myself to get involved with someone who was married, which is totally against my morals. 2. I wonder if I was just a "booty call" though I really don't think so. 3. And I was totally crushed and devastated which was the very last thing I needed amidst my already depressing life. The Good is: I know I can fall in love again....and it is great!! I enjoy sex...alot. And most importantly, for me to have a backbone and not let any guy walk all over me or call all the shots like he did! I am a stronger person today because of it!

Authors Note: We did NOT have sex every time we saw each other....but alot!!!