Tis the season.....

Ah....it is Christmas time again.....and I am going through my annual "funk." This year it is not as bad as the past few years, but the funk is still present. I vowed, for the sake of my daughter, to try to really make this Christmas a good one. We went out and bought a new (artifical) tree that seh picked out, picked up some new ornaments, and I went to my storage unit and got our other Christmas decorations. Tree is up, some ornaments are on....and the funk set in. UGH!!! I am trying to start some new traditions for us....but my heart isn't in it. It isn't really in K's heart either......we both know what is missing : (

3 Years

Tomorrow will be the 3 year anniversaary of Charlie's passing! Today, the vision that keeps coming to my mind is when we were at his funeral, his church had his open casket up at the front of the church. K. and I walked in went up front and sat with the family. That lasted about 2 minutes before K. got upset and so we moved to the back of the church where she pretty much just played with her little baby cousin. near the end of the service, all the attendees at the funeral, walk by his open casket, before it is shut forever. When K. and I got up there, she started screaming "Bye Bye Daddy, I love you"....it was heartbreaking and it keeps creeping into my mind today.

SUMMERTIME!!!!

It has been a while since I have written anything here, and I really should visit more often because I usually feel better even though I know no one else is reading this.

We are more than halfway through summer break and I am bored out of my mind. Being single is much harder than I anticipated. When you are with someone, whether it be a spouse or significant other, you always have someone to talk to and to be with. Even times where you are just together doing nothing are good, because you are together. Times like this summer are when I really miss companionship. I'll be honest, we haven't done much this summer. We have spent some time down at the shore as I have a friend who owns a beach pad and is very generous in inviting us down. We have done a couple day trips to the beach too. But other than that, there has been nothing. I feel like my daughter is being ripped off, but she is (and says she is) perfectly happy hanging in the house all day playing on the computer and doing her drawings (she is very good at animation). I am arranging a trip to a water park and have asked a whole bunch of people if they would like to go and bring their kids, with the hopes that at least one will be able to come. K. loves water parks and amusement parks,but I hate them. I have taken her to water parks and she just goes off by herself and I sit there and wait til she is done. Not to mention, the cost to do anything these days is expensive. The water park will cost me $66 just for the two of us to get in, so it will easily be $100-$150 day. I can't do that all the time.

This week, I am trying to get out of my funk by doing dinner with friends. K. and I went out Friday with a teacher friend of mine, last night we went to a steakhouse, and tomorrow night I am going out with the girls for dinner and a movie.....all while I am earning no money this summer.....which has also got me down a little. Sometimes I guess it is worth it.

Mother's Day!!!

Happy Mother's Day!!!

Today has been a mother's day I would just like to forget. I seem to have been in tears a lot of today. This morning went well. As soon as my daughter got up she came and found me and wished me a happy mother's day. I went downtown to Coldwater Creek to use the coupon I got from Groupon the day before....pay $25 and get a $50 coupon. Going to Coldwater Creek was probably the start of the downward spiral. I was in there for close to 2 hours trying on clothes and just hated the way everything looked on me.....I ended up buying a purse which I told K. could be from her for mother's day, not that she cared one way or the other.

I decided to go for my walk because walking ALWAYS makes me feeling better mentally. I walk in a cemetery around the corner from my house. It is not the cemetery that Charlie is buried in, but it is big, beautiful, quiet and has a lot of hills. I start in the old section (people who died a long time ago) so it was just like any other day walking there. I did my whole loop, then came up the the new section (more recent deaths), and it was packed. All of a sudden I started crying, right there in the middle of my walk. I was crying for Charlie, who would have made sure that K. had at least a card for me, I cried for my mom who I miss very much, I cried for my mother-in-law, who died suddenly from a fall but was in otherwise perfect health, and no doubt if she were still alive, K. and I would have gone to see her, and I cried for a 32 year old teacher at the school I work at, who 2 weeks before, died of colon cancer, leaving behind a 2 year old daughter and husband. I did not know this teacher as she was diagnosed in December and I started my job in January, but I did see her when she came to visit once with her daughter.....the school community all pulled together to raise lots of funds for her family.....in any case, I cried for her too, she only got 2 mother's day. I actually found a cut thru point so I got out of the cemetery and went out to the main road to finish my walk. I was feeling awful for all those people there who were visiting their loved ones.

So basically today, on mother's day, what is supposed to be great for mom's....I have been in tears......because of what I have lost!!!!

Charlie's Birthday....AGAIN!!!

Tomorrow would be Charlie's 51st birthday! It is another year that K. doesn't get to celebrate with her dad. She doesn't seem to torn up about it though. Earlier this week, I reminded her it was his birthday (I didn't want her to be in school and write the date on something, realize it is his birthday, and mom just "forgot" about it)so I asked her what she would like to do. She decided she wanted to go to the cemetery and put a balloon and maybe some other stuff on his grave. That sounded good to me, and I was glad that she made the decision on what we would do. I asked her Tuesday if she wanted to go and she said no, and then again today, and she still doesn't want to go. I asked her if she wanted me to do it before she got out of school and that is what she wants. I don't know what to do here, she didn't want to go at Christmas (quite frankly, neither did I with all the snow), and I couldn't get her to go at Easter, but I think it is important to honor his birthday and father's day. Also, every time we go to the cemetery, she is complaining the whole way there and tells me she isn't going to get out of the car, but she always does and is glad that she went in the end. Since mother's day is this weekend too, I think I will tell her that we can get something for dad and for nana.

When do I stop asking her to go to his grave and feeling bad about it? I am not sure that she would ever go if I didn't ask her.....I'm confused!

Straightening Up and Flying Right!!!

After falling back into my usual holiday "funk" I have decided that I had better do something, and soon, or this will be a never ending cycle with me. First thing I did was deactivate my facebook account. It is a place where I spend entirely too much time. I plan on going back on, because I really love connecting with people, but for now, I am off. Already I am feeling better about things. I have put away alot of things that have been neglected for months, and cleaned out all my old emails....dating back to August 2010. Also trying to get into bed at a decent hour, start eating right again and start exercising.....all of which have been neglected for quite a while now.
Other things I plan to do is downsize.....alot!!! I plan on moving this summer and I really don't want to lug a bunch of crap I haven't used in years, with me. I can sell some and make some money on it....I just have to get it together.....

Life is Good~for the most part!

Today I was on FaceBook and read a friends status: "Life can be tough but remember someone always has it tougher." This statement has really put things into perspective for me (tonight was not the first time I have seen it, but just brought it to the forefront of my mind).

For years and years I was miserable and felt sorry for myself. I hated alot of things about my life. I hated not having money for the basic necessities, I hated the embarrassment Charlie caused by his drinking, I hated looking the way I did because I just didn't care, I hated all the constant worrying and stress, and much much more. At times I felt that it just couldn't get any worse. BUT, I had my health, a great kid, a roof over our heads (though I think we went close to 2 years without making a mortgage payment), and family who helped us constantly. I know many had it worse than me, but I still was miserable......I felt hopeless. Today, things are much, much better. I have a job (YAY) and though it is only part time, it is bringing in some money. I took K. on her first 'real' vacation a few weeks ago.....I saved up for it and took her to Florida. We had beautiful weather and a great time. I am not stressed constantly about money....this is all a huge improvement from about 4 years back. I am much happier now....probably the happiest I have been in at least 7 or 8 years.

I am writing this because I feel as if I am slipping back into another funk (happens about two or three times a year) and am trying to keep in mind of where I was and where I am now. Sometimes I feel guilty for getting in a funk because I have lived through much, much worse.

Happy Birthday!!!!

Today is my birthday!!! My 48th birthday!!! I am now at the age that Charlie was when he died and K. is in a tizzy!!! She has talked about this every year on my birthday "Mom, I don't want you to be 48, just skip to 49." This morning when she woke up she wished me a happy birthday and stated 'now you are 48....dad died when he was 48!" I have explained to her that I am healthy and daddy wasn't, but she doesn't want to hear that. I have had bloodwork done, and all my womans dr. stuff done and all is good and I share this with her.....I hope to put her mind at ease. I really hope that beyond today, she will forget how old I am....I hate to see my kid worry....and especially about me.

A New Start....well, sort of!

It has been quite a while since I have visited here....mainly, I don't have much to say and my computer has been on the fritz for a while....but now I am here!!

I finally got a 'real" job....and by real job, I mean steady (though only part time) and I actually have direct deposit....none of this under-the-table sporadic work. And it feels great to have something to go to everyday! I am a para-professional at a local elementary school. I was hired for a 60 day assignment, but it is very possible that I will be working until the end of the school year. That would be fantastic. It is right around the corner from my daughters middle school, so I drop her off, then head into work myself. AND we have all the same school breaks. It is the ideal situation for me since I have no one to help me with the responsibility of raising a child. I really like this job though was quite surprised when I found out that I was being paid HALF of what I thought I was being paid. I was told the amount by someone, but never got it in writing, therefore I was told the full day rate, not the half day rate.....anywho, it does not amount to much money at all (barely above minimum wage), however, I get my foot in the door for a possible position next year.

So there....some happy news!!!

Trust & Relationships

Following another bad relationship recently, I find myself often thinking of Charlie and how good things were between us.....all because there was TRUST. Don't get me wrong, there were some horrible things in our marriage, which is why I filed for divorce, but they all had to do, almost exclusively, with his drinking. Because of his drinking, he was unable to perform at work, and he lost job after job, we were continually "borrowing" money, we often went without decent food (at one point, Charlie and I ate canned baked beans for all meals for 2 weeks straight because they were on sale and I had coupons and they aren't the worse food in the world you can eat). This way, we were able to get K. the Tyson Chicken nuggets, which is something we knew she would eat. The stress of not having enough money to pay for any necessity is a horrible thing to go through and I would not wish it on anyone.

BUT, we had trust in our relationship, and by trust, I mean I did not ever worry about what Charlie was doing when he was not in my presence. It just never occurred to me that he would ever cheat, because I knew he loved me. I may be naive, and he may have cheated, but I seriously doubt it, and that is what I am choosing to believe. We also had open-ness, where we discussed things that needed to be discussed. No matter what it was, good or bad, we talked!!!

I often look at other peoples relationships.....I never did that before, but since I don't have my own going on, I look at others. It is both interesting and informative. I now know exactly what I want in a relationship and what I won't put up with.....at all. Openness is a biggie. I have a girlfriend of mine who was married for the 3rd time this past May. I am not really sure why she married this guy as I would talk to her everyday, and everyday she told me she was sick of his behavior (which is absolutely no communication amongst them) and she was getting ready to move out of his house and move back into her house (which was vacant). THEN, at 11:30 one night, I get a text message with a picture of an engagement ring on her hand!!! I texted her back, "did you get engaged?" and she said yes.....I didn't know what to say....Well, they got married and things are now worse than ever. This couple doesn't talk to one another, their kids (her 10 year old girl & his 13 year old boy) HATE each other, my friend hates his family, which, from the way she describes it, are trashy....and she is not at all comfortable in HIS house (and I say his, because she has never felt like it is THEIR home). Now she is contemplating a third divorce, or sticking it out. Talking amongst them, thus far, has done no good!!! All I can say to her is "Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life?" My friend, is such a good person, and really deserves to be happy.

Now I am wondering if I will ever, ever be comfortable enough with a man to trust him??? I really have not given any "new" man a chance, as I have "dated" two former boyfriends from many years back, but I think I may be scared to try something new. I tried Internet dating...and HATED it, and I am not the type to go out and look for someone....I feel that if I am going to meet someone, I am going to meet someone. All I am hoping for is someone with a good heart, and whom I trust and with whom I can be open with!