September 7, 2008~The Viewing

Wakes and funerals are not my thing! Then again, I don't think they are many peoples thing! Sunday, September 7 was the day of Charlies viewing. There would be 2 sessions, 2 to 4pm and 7 to 9pm. The family was allowed to come 15 minutes prior to each session to pay their last respects first. I was extremely nervous. Not only because I hate open casket wakes, and because it is my husband lying in a coffin, and I have an extremely hurt 9 year old to deal with, but also because today is the day I am going to see Charlies whole family. All 70+ of them from cousins, aunts, uncles, nieces and nephews. All these people who have heard how I left him. Several of these people privately told me I did the right thing, many of them didn't care either way, but some believed Charlie. In any case, I knew it would be a "strange" kind of day for me.

K. and I arrived a little before 2. We walked in the foyer and Jim (the former priest) immediately came to K. He is very comforting to both she and I, as I am sure, as a former priest, he is well trained in what to do for people. K. walks holding Jims hand and goes right up to the casket. She is bawling. She kneels by her dad and has a small conversation, says a prayer, then walks away. In the casket with Charlie is the card and the pictures that K. had taken to the hospital for him. And on the stand, right next to his coffin, is the puny flower arrangement from K. The small, little pitiful Charlie Brown flower arrangement, amongst all the big wreathes and bouquets from everyone else. What can you do? Jim comes and gets me. I am already bawling. I think it was the shock of seeing Charlie in a casket. That, and knowing my K. is hurting. I go up to the casket and kneel down and say a prayer and leave. Next dilemma, where do I go? In the viewing room they have a love seat and two big comfy chairs to each side of the love seat for family. Sitting in those seats are his mom, his two sisters, a couple of nieces and Jim. I think, am I supposed to sit up there or go find a seat in the back. I was, after all married to him, and though separated, still married to him. I left him because of his alcoholism, it wasn't because I cheated or he cheated or loss of love. I just couldn't go on living with his alcoholism which made it impossible for him to provide for us, hold a job, deal with reality or life. It wasn't fair to me. It wasn't fair to K. It wasn't living. No one seemed to care where I sat, so I took a seat in one of the middle rows. I hate being the center of attention anyway. Many people came to the viewing. They would go up, say their prayer, go talk to his "family" (me, not included), and sit. Some people acknowledged me with a nod or wave....but not many. I was grateful when my childhood friends Kim, Diane and Sheila showed up. They humored me for the hour or so they were there. Throughout the viewing, K. got brave. She must have gone up to the casket 20 times to kneel over her dad. She got the point where she was touching his hand (I have never done that). At one point, she came over where I was sitting with Kim, Diane & Sheila and said "Mom, I touched dad's face, he's really cold." I cringed a little, but it was Sheila who said "Oh honey, don't do that, he has makeup on and it will get all over you." I don't know why I thought that was funny....maybe the way Sheila said it. K. didn't listen, she still wanted to touch her dad.

Between the two viewings, there was a 3 hour "break." Someone from the family informed me that they were going back to the "center" to have dinner that had been arranged by the church's women's auxiliary group. The "center" is a large banquet room which is owned by Charlies church. I had planned to go home for that time, but asked K. if she wanted to go to the center, and she said yes. I contemplated leaving her there with Charlies family and meeting up with them at the second service, but decided I would go and stay also. I figured at least some of his family is nice to me, so I will have someone to talk to. We got there at 4 ish and dinner was out and buffet style. I remember eating fried chicken. Unfortunately, we were all done eating in about 45 minutes tops.....so there was more than 2 hours till we go back for the second viewing.....that may have been the longest 2 hours of my life.

We all arrived a little before 7 for the second viewing. Again, we went in and each of us went up to the casket to say a prayer.....it is not so shocking the second time around. The family took their seats in the front, and I sat toward the back. At 7:30 the priest comes in to conduct a small service. In the Ukrainian Orthodox Church, Charlies religion, they use a lot of incense. The priest has this swinging ball thing with bells on it (I don't mean to offend, but I don't know what it is called) and this thing disperses a powdery incense. So between the scent and the powder, in an enclosed area, it is a bit overwhelming. The priest conducts this 20 minute service and then, it is back to the viewing. Right after the service, at about 8 pm, in comes two of Charlies childhood friends Martha and MaryJo. Martha and Charlie grew up together. Her dad was a priest at the church until he died in the late 70's (Priests in the Orthodox church are allowed to be married, and have kids). MaryJo was an ex-girlfriend of Charlies. They dated for a long time, but both had serious issues with drinking and the relationship didn't work out for them (to the relief of several people, who said that their relationship was a disaster waiting to happen). But Charlie and MaryJo remained very good friends. So Martha and MaryJo come in and MaryJo starts wailing....and I am not kidding! You would have thought that she was his widow and the death was completely unexpected. Not only is she making a spectacle of herself with her wailing and throwing herself over the coffin (a slight exaggeration, but not by much), she find our daughter K. and starts hugging her and screaming and crying. Naturally, this upset K and she starts crying. Someone from Charlies family had the good common sense to get K. away from MaryJo.....only because they got there before I reached them. Once I removed K. from that situation, she was fine again.

We left a little bit before the end. We had a half hour ride home, it was a long day, and we had to be at the church by 9 the next morning.