Mother's Day!!!

Happy Mother's Day!!!

Today has been a mother's day I would just like to forget. I seem to have been in tears a lot of today. This morning went well. As soon as my daughter got up she came and found me and wished me a happy mother's day. I went downtown to Coldwater Creek to use the coupon I got from Groupon the day before....pay $25 and get a $50 coupon. Going to Coldwater Creek was probably the start of the downward spiral. I was in there for close to 2 hours trying on clothes and just hated the way everything looked on me.....I ended up buying a purse which I told K. could be from her for mother's day, not that she cared one way or the other.

I decided to go for my walk because walking ALWAYS makes me feeling better mentally. I walk in a cemetery around the corner from my house. It is not the cemetery that Charlie is buried in, but it is big, beautiful, quiet and has a lot of hills. I start in the old section (people who died a long time ago) so it was just like any other day walking there. I did my whole loop, then came up the the new section (more recent deaths), and it was packed. All of a sudden I started crying, right there in the middle of my walk. I was crying for Charlie, who would have made sure that K. had at least a card for me, I cried for my mom who I miss very much, I cried for my mother-in-law, who died suddenly from a fall but was in otherwise perfect health, and no doubt if she were still alive, K. and I would have gone to see her, and I cried for a 32 year old teacher at the school I work at, who 2 weeks before, died of colon cancer, leaving behind a 2 year old daughter and husband. I did not know this teacher as she was diagnosed in December and I started my job in January, but I did see her when she came to visit once with her daughter.....the school community all pulled together to raise lots of funds for her family.....in any case, I cried for her too, she only got 2 mother's day. I actually found a cut thru point so I got out of the cemetery and went out to the main road to finish my walk. I was feeling awful for all those people there who were visiting their loved ones.

So basically today, on mother's day, what is supposed to be great for mom's....I have been in tears......because of what I have lost!!!!

Charlie's Birthday....AGAIN!!!

Tomorrow would be Charlie's 51st birthday! It is another year that K. doesn't get to celebrate with her dad. She doesn't seem to torn up about it though. Earlier this week, I reminded her it was his birthday (I didn't want her to be in school and write the date on something, realize it is his birthday, and mom just "forgot" about it)so I asked her what she would like to do. She decided she wanted to go to the cemetery and put a balloon and maybe some other stuff on his grave. That sounded good to me, and I was glad that she made the decision on what we would do. I asked her Tuesday if she wanted to go and she said no, and then again today, and she still doesn't want to go. I asked her if she wanted me to do it before she got out of school and that is what she wants. I don't know what to do here, she didn't want to go at Christmas (quite frankly, neither did I with all the snow), and I couldn't get her to go at Easter, but I think it is important to honor his birthday and father's day. Also, every time we go to the cemetery, she is complaining the whole way there and tells me she isn't going to get out of the car, but she always does and is glad that she went in the end. Since mother's day is this weekend too, I think I will tell her that we can get something for dad and for nana.

When do I stop asking her to go to his grave and feeling bad about it? I am not sure that she would ever go if I didn't ask her.....I'm confused!