Tis the season.....

Ah....it is Christmas time again.....and I am going through my annual "funk." This year it is not as bad as the past few years, but the funk is still present. I vowed, for the sake of my daughter, to try to really make this Christmas a good one. We went out and bought a new (artifical) tree that seh picked out, picked up some new ornaments, and I went to my storage unit and got our other Christmas decorations. Tree is up, some ornaments are on....and the funk set in. UGH!!! I am trying to start some new traditions for us....but my heart isn't in it. It isn't really in K's heart either......we both know what is missing : (

3 Years

Tomorrow will be the 3 year anniversaary of Charlie's passing! Today, the vision that keeps coming to my mind is when we were at his funeral, his church had his open casket up at the front of the church. K. and I walked in went up front and sat with the family. That lasted about 2 minutes before K. got upset and so we moved to the back of the church where she pretty much just played with her little baby cousin. near the end of the service, all the attendees at the funeral, walk by his open casket, before it is shut forever. When K. and I got up there, she started screaming "Bye Bye Daddy, I love you"....it was heartbreaking and it keeps creeping into my mind today.

SUMMERTIME!!!!

It has been a while since I have written anything here, and I really should visit more often because I usually feel better even though I know no one else is reading this.

We are more than halfway through summer break and I am bored out of my mind. Being single is much harder than I anticipated. When you are with someone, whether it be a spouse or significant other, you always have someone to talk to and to be with. Even times where you are just together doing nothing are good, because you are together. Times like this summer are when I really miss companionship. I'll be honest, we haven't done much this summer. We have spent some time down at the shore as I have a friend who owns a beach pad and is very generous in inviting us down. We have done a couple day trips to the beach too. But other than that, there has been nothing. I feel like my daughter is being ripped off, but she is (and says she is) perfectly happy hanging in the house all day playing on the computer and doing her drawings (she is very good at animation). I am arranging a trip to a water park and have asked a whole bunch of people if they would like to go and bring their kids, with the hopes that at least one will be able to come. K. loves water parks and amusement parks,but I hate them. I have taken her to water parks and she just goes off by herself and I sit there and wait til she is done. Not to mention, the cost to do anything these days is expensive. The water park will cost me $66 just for the two of us to get in, so it will easily be $100-$150 day. I can't do that all the time.

This week, I am trying to get out of my funk by doing dinner with friends. K. and I went out Friday with a teacher friend of mine, last night we went to a steakhouse, and tomorrow night I am going out with the girls for dinner and a movie.....all while I am earning no money this summer.....which has also got me down a little. Sometimes I guess it is worth it.

Mother's Day!!!

Happy Mother's Day!!!

Today has been a mother's day I would just like to forget. I seem to have been in tears a lot of today. This morning went well. As soon as my daughter got up she came and found me and wished me a happy mother's day. I went downtown to Coldwater Creek to use the coupon I got from Groupon the day before....pay $25 and get a $50 coupon. Going to Coldwater Creek was probably the start of the downward spiral. I was in there for close to 2 hours trying on clothes and just hated the way everything looked on me.....I ended up buying a purse which I told K. could be from her for mother's day, not that she cared one way or the other.

I decided to go for my walk because walking ALWAYS makes me feeling better mentally. I walk in a cemetery around the corner from my house. It is not the cemetery that Charlie is buried in, but it is big, beautiful, quiet and has a lot of hills. I start in the old section (people who died a long time ago) so it was just like any other day walking there. I did my whole loop, then came up the the new section (more recent deaths), and it was packed. All of a sudden I started crying, right there in the middle of my walk. I was crying for Charlie, who would have made sure that K. had at least a card for me, I cried for my mom who I miss very much, I cried for my mother-in-law, who died suddenly from a fall but was in otherwise perfect health, and no doubt if she were still alive, K. and I would have gone to see her, and I cried for a 32 year old teacher at the school I work at, who 2 weeks before, died of colon cancer, leaving behind a 2 year old daughter and husband. I did not know this teacher as she was diagnosed in December and I started my job in January, but I did see her when she came to visit once with her daughter.....the school community all pulled together to raise lots of funds for her family.....in any case, I cried for her too, she only got 2 mother's day. I actually found a cut thru point so I got out of the cemetery and went out to the main road to finish my walk. I was feeling awful for all those people there who were visiting their loved ones.

So basically today, on mother's day, what is supposed to be great for mom's....I have been in tears......because of what I have lost!!!!

Charlie's Birthday....AGAIN!!!

Tomorrow would be Charlie's 51st birthday! It is another year that K. doesn't get to celebrate with her dad. She doesn't seem to torn up about it though. Earlier this week, I reminded her it was his birthday (I didn't want her to be in school and write the date on something, realize it is his birthday, and mom just "forgot" about it)so I asked her what she would like to do. She decided she wanted to go to the cemetery and put a balloon and maybe some other stuff on his grave. That sounded good to me, and I was glad that she made the decision on what we would do. I asked her Tuesday if she wanted to go and she said no, and then again today, and she still doesn't want to go. I asked her if she wanted me to do it before she got out of school and that is what she wants. I don't know what to do here, she didn't want to go at Christmas (quite frankly, neither did I with all the snow), and I couldn't get her to go at Easter, but I think it is important to honor his birthday and father's day. Also, every time we go to the cemetery, she is complaining the whole way there and tells me she isn't going to get out of the car, but she always does and is glad that she went in the end. Since mother's day is this weekend too, I think I will tell her that we can get something for dad and for nana.

When do I stop asking her to go to his grave and feeling bad about it? I am not sure that she would ever go if I didn't ask her.....I'm confused!

Straightening Up and Flying Right!!!

After falling back into my usual holiday "funk" I have decided that I had better do something, and soon, or this will be a never ending cycle with me. First thing I did was deactivate my facebook account. It is a place where I spend entirely too much time. I plan on going back on, because I really love connecting with people, but for now, I am off. Already I am feeling better about things. I have put away alot of things that have been neglected for months, and cleaned out all my old emails....dating back to August 2010. Also trying to get into bed at a decent hour, start eating right again and start exercising.....all of which have been neglected for quite a while now.
Other things I plan to do is downsize.....alot!!! I plan on moving this summer and I really don't want to lug a bunch of crap I haven't used in years, with me. I can sell some and make some money on it....I just have to get it together.....

Life is Good~for the most part!

Today I was on FaceBook and read a friends status: "Life can be tough but remember someone always has it tougher." This statement has really put things into perspective for me (tonight was not the first time I have seen it, but just brought it to the forefront of my mind).

For years and years I was miserable and felt sorry for myself. I hated alot of things about my life. I hated not having money for the basic necessities, I hated the embarrassment Charlie caused by his drinking, I hated looking the way I did because I just didn't care, I hated all the constant worrying and stress, and much much more. At times I felt that it just couldn't get any worse. BUT, I had my health, a great kid, a roof over our heads (though I think we went close to 2 years without making a mortgage payment), and family who helped us constantly. I know many had it worse than me, but I still was miserable......I felt hopeless. Today, things are much, much better. I have a job (YAY) and though it is only part time, it is bringing in some money. I took K. on her first 'real' vacation a few weeks ago.....I saved up for it and took her to Florida. We had beautiful weather and a great time. I am not stressed constantly about money....this is all a huge improvement from about 4 years back. I am much happier now....probably the happiest I have been in at least 7 or 8 years.

I am writing this because I feel as if I am slipping back into another funk (happens about two or three times a year) and am trying to keep in mind of where I was and where I am now. Sometimes I feel guilty for getting in a funk because I have lived through much, much worse.

Happy Birthday!!!!

Today is my birthday!!! My 48th birthday!!! I am now at the age that Charlie was when he died and K. is in a tizzy!!! She has talked about this every year on my birthday "Mom, I don't want you to be 48, just skip to 49." This morning when she woke up she wished me a happy birthday and stated 'now you are 48....dad died when he was 48!" I have explained to her that I am healthy and daddy wasn't, but she doesn't want to hear that. I have had bloodwork done, and all my womans dr. stuff done and all is good and I share this with her.....I hope to put her mind at ease. I really hope that beyond today, she will forget how old I am....I hate to see my kid worry....and especially about me.

A New Start....well, sort of!

It has been quite a while since I have visited here....mainly, I don't have much to say and my computer has been on the fritz for a while....but now I am here!!

I finally got a 'real" job....and by real job, I mean steady (though only part time) and I actually have direct deposit....none of this under-the-table sporadic work. And it feels great to have something to go to everyday! I am a para-professional at a local elementary school. I was hired for a 60 day assignment, but it is very possible that I will be working until the end of the school year. That would be fantastic. It is right around the corner from my daughters middle school, so I drop her off, then head into work myself. AND we have all the same school breaks. It is the ideal situation for me since I have no one to help me with the responsibility of raising a child. I really like this job though was quite surprised when I found out that I was being paid HALF of what I thought I was being paid. I was told the amount by someone, but never got it in writing, therefore I was told the full day rate, not the half day rate.....anywho, it does not amount to much money at all (barely above minimum wage), however, I get my foot in the door for a possible position next year.

So there....some happy news!!!

Trust & Relationships

Following another bad relationship recently, I find myself often thinking of Charlie and how good things were between us.....all because there was TRUST. Don't get me wrong, there were some horrible things in our marriage, which is why I filed for divorce, but they all had to do, almost exclusively, with his drinking. Because of his drinking, he was unable to perform at work, and he lost job after job, we were continually "borrowing" money, we often went without decent food (at one point, Charlie and I ate canned baked beans for all meals for 2 weeks straight because they were on sale and I had coupons and they aren't the worse food in the world you can eat). This way, we were able to get K. the Tyson Chicken nuggets, which is something we knew she would eat. The stress of not having enough money to pay for any necessity is a horrible thing to go through and I would not wish it on anyone.

BUT, we had trust in our relationship, and by trust, I mean I did not ever worry about what Charlie was doing when he was not in my presence. It just never occurred to me that he would ever cheat, because I knew he loved me. I may be naive, and he may have cheated, but I seriously doubt it, and that is what I am choosing to believe. We also had open-ness, where we discussed things that needed to be discussed. No matter what it was, good or bad, we talked!!!

I often look at other peoples relationships.....I never did that before, but since I don't have my own going on, I look at others. It is both interesting and informative. I now know exactly what I want in a relationship and what I won't put up with.....at all. Openness is a biggie. I have a girlfriend of mine who was married for the 3rd time this past May. I am not really sure why she married this guy as I would talk to her everyday, and everyday she told me she was sick of his behavior (which is absolutely no communication amongst them) and she was getting ready to move out of his house and move back into her house (which was vacant). THEN, at 11:30 one night, I get a text message with a picture of an engagement ring on her hand!!! I texted her back, "did you get engaged?" and she said yes.....I didn't know what to say....Well, they got married and things are now worse than ever. This couple doesn't talk to one another, their kids (her 10 year old girl & his 13 year old boy) HATE each other, my friend hates his family, which, from the way she describes it, are trashy....and she is not at all comfortable in HIS house (and I say his, because she has never felt like it is THEIR home). Now she is contemplating a third divorce, or sticking it out. Talking amongst them, thus far, has done no good!!! All I can say to her is "Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life?" My friend, is such a good person, and really deserves to be happy.

Now I am wondering if I will ever, ever be comfortable enough with a man to trust him??? I really have not given any "new" man a chance, as I have "dated" two former boyfriends from many years back, but I think I may be scared to try something new. I tried Internet dating...and HATED it, and I am not the type to go out and look for someone....I feel that if I am going to meet someone, I am going to meet someone. All I am hoping for is someone with a good heart, and whom I trust and with whom I can be open with!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Merry Christmas to all of you!!!

This morning went well....well, at least it wasn't horrible. Somehow I was able to save some money in the recent months and was able to get K. everything she asked for...which is a first. She is definitely not like me, who as a kid (and young adult) would wake everyone up really early to see what we all got. She was laying in bed this morning, wide awake, and I had to ask her if she wanted to come downstairs and open her presents.....it took some convincing on my part to get her to come too......probably so many uneventful Christmas' that it just isn't exciting to her.....I don't know. But she loved her gifts this year, which makes me happy!!!

I wish all of you a very Merry Christmas and a Happy, healthy new year!

Five days til Christmas....and The Funk Remains!

Today is December 20th, and I am still not ready for Christmas!! I HATE this feeling of being so unmotivated, I feel like I am cheating my daughter out of so many Christmas memories. Even though I am in this funk, I think I am better than the past 2 years, but my spirit just isn't there. I did get K. the live tree she wanted, and put the lights on for her, and she did the decorating. She really enjoyed that. Also, we picked up a cookie mix at Trader Joes. For $4.00 we got the mix, colored sugar, and cookie cutters, which is a really good deal. Together, we made the cookies and she enjoyed that too. My problem is, I just can't get myself out to shop. I really only have K. to worry about, as my niece and nephew who have everything will get the standard visa gift card from us. I picked up one item she really wanted, and just ordered a second item, but other than those two things, I have nothing. I am going to try to get myself the 5Below (a fancy dollar store, where everything is $5 or less) to pick up some things, just so it looks like she is getting stuff.....last Christmas, almost everything came from 5Below.

I started this post this morning and guess what....still didn't get out shopping. I guess I HAVE to go tomorrow.

I just want to know when this "funk" I am in will pass??!! I am thinking of going back to my doctor to have them change my anti-depressant medication....I don't think the one I have been on for over a year, and has already had one dose increase, is doing it for me anymore......

My Christmas Funk!!

At some point in my life, I really enjoyed Christmas....but that seems so long ago! The past 7 years or more, I have dreaded this holiday and particularly the last 3 years. This will be the third Christmas without Charlie. I hate that....not so much for me, but for K.

The year of 2007 was the first year where we were not together. I had filed for divorce in May of 2007, and K. and I moved from Georgia to New Jersey in August, and Charlie stayed down in Georgia. Since he was giving me a hard time about the divorce, there were no documents in place about where K. had to be for the holidays, BUT out of the goodness in my heart, I allowed her to fly to GA., with her grandmother to visit her dad for Christmas in 2007. It almost didn't happen because I was extremely aggravated that he hadn't paid me any child support in months (that was the one official item that was in place with our separation documents), and I still didn't have a job, and was "borrowing" money from my parents and siblings just to pay for K's asthma meds which cost $140/month (eventually, I got it for free, for 1 year through the drug manufacturer). Up until 2 days before her flight, I was telling him that she would not be coming down unless he gave me some child support. Well, I never got any money and I allowed her to go anyway, which, looking back, I am so glad I did, because that was his last Christmas! For me, it was an awful Christmas....the worse one I ever had because I was all alone. I went from having a family, to not even getting to spend it with my daughter......

Move forward to 2008....I am now a widow and it is really just me and K. I started out strong and hopeful for the holidays. We were living at my parents house, so we had lots of Christmas decorations to choose from....I had left most of "our" decorations with Charlie. There is something "different" about using someone else's decorations, as opposed to your own. In any case, I went to the tree lot and picked up a "live" tree with my last $50. Yes, I thought it was foolish to spend that kind of money on a tree, especially because it was the last of my money until I collected my SS the following week, but I wanted to do something nice for K. I remember my mom being upset with me bringing a live tree into the house for 2 reasons, 1. that I had spent that money when they were pretty much supporting us, and 2. the pine needles are a pain in the butt to clean up, but when it was put up, my mom enjoyed it too. I also put it up nice and early....probably the first week in December. K's birthday is December 11th (a little added stress, being so close to Christmas). On December 12th, the day after my baby turned 10, K and I were at her rock climbing class at the YMCA when I get a call from my brother...."I think mommy died!" I yell "what?" and he repeats himself (my brother is certainly not a good person to deliver any kind of bad news). I had just seen my mom, an hour before....I said goodbye as we were leaving for K's class, but she didn't answer, which was not unusual, as she was very ill and often sleeping. Someone had called for my mom so my dad went upstairs to give her the phone, when he found her.....obviously, Christmas was not a happy time this year either.....I was so happy that I had gotten ALL of my shopping done prior to this day, because I did not pick up one more thing after it.

Last year, I just had no spirit!!! I barely got the 3 foot artificial tree up and decorated, and that was about it. It was really starting to affect me, the situation I am in, living with my dad, not having my own things, feeling that I am not doing right by my daughter, still reeling over a bad relationship that I should not have been in, but was, and still missing that guy....though I should not have been (that took a full year to get over)....I just was not into it at all. K. never really tells me what she wants for Christmas, so that is not so much fun, going shopping, but not know what you are shopping for. Last year, I did get her a keyboard, which she did want, and still uses (she is musically talented)...but all the other gifts, for the most part, came from 5Below (a fancy dollar store, where everything is under $5). Who knows where any of that stuff is now....

This year, I have promised myself that K. is going to have a great Christmas!! We haven't had a good Christmas in so long(and by good, I mean just being in the spirit). K. has said that she wants a live tree, instead of the small artificial one that is here.....so while she is on a Girl Scout trip today, I am going to get one. I will set it up and put on the lights and she can decorate when she gets home. One BIG difference this year is that we have "our" ornaments. I left them with Charlie when I left GA, but I am not sure why....I probably should have taken some, especially K's as she has received an ornament every year since she was born....After Charlies mother died last year, the Christmas ornaments (which his family said they didn't have) were found and returned to K. We opened the box of them last night and reminisced about them....there were several of Charlies ornaments there which will definitely go up on "our" tree. Sadly, the collection of Santas and our other decorations were not returned to K. I guess they are with his "Hess Truck Collection."

I am hoping that this year is a great Christmas, I can stay in the spirit, create some new traditions and keep some old....but am overjoyed that we will be using the ornaments that are "ours" and a little piece of Charlie will be with us this Christmas.....

Thanksgiving Day!!!

This year is the first Thanksgiving that I have hosted since the demise of my marriage about 4 years ago. I LOVE Thanksgiving. It has always been my favorite holiday. Not only is it a time to give thanks, but I love family gatherings without the expectation of anything other than good food and spending time together. This is the holiday, while married, that I hosted for Charlie's family every year. There were always at least 20 people, and while very stressful prepping for this holiday, it was so worth it in the long run. It is also the day we were married. In 1996, Charlie and I got engaged in September and planned a May 1997 wedding....however, on a whim, the week before Thanksgiving, we asked the priest at his church if he would marry us on Thanksgiving and he said yes. The wedding service was planned in 4 days, and not all family could attend, but it was a great day anyway. We got married, then went to him moms house for Thanksgiving. I loved the fact that it was a low-key event. In any case, this year while prepping for Thanksgiving, was bittersweet. As much as I love to be the "hostess with the mostess" I really missed Charlies presence as he always helped with everything for this holiday. Of course, this year was different than past years as no one from Charlies family was with us, just my family.....but still, a flood of memories came back. I often wonder when the grieving stops. Charlie has been dead a little over 2 years and we have been apart 3 years and things certainly weren't good in our marriage toward the end, but I could not stop thinking about when things were good, and Thanksgiving was great!! As time passes, as pissed off as I was at Charlie at the end of our marriage, I find myself thinking more of the good times we had, and letting go of all the crap we went through. I do believe it is a good thing to remember the good things but it is putting me in a place where I miss him which I find kind of strange. Why, after 2 years am I missing him more often now than before?

Needing a Hug!!

"We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth."
Virginia Satir, American Psychologist and Educator (1916-1988)

I am not sure that I would agree the the amount of hugs Ms. Satir suggests...I would take just one a day (or even every few days). As a widow (or any kind of partnerless person), this is one area that really, really sucks because it is not like you can go out and just hug someone. It is not a sexual thing, rather a emotional release I guess. Some days I feel like I just need a huge hug and a little reassurance! It amazes me that you don't realize how much you need that until you don't have it. While married to Charlie, up until the very last few months of living together, we hugged everyday....It was just what we did. I know I can always go get my "virtual" hugs through FaceBook, and have requested them a few times when I am extremely "down in the dumps", BUT it is not the same thing as an actual hug and a little emotional support. (I have to confess though, I have a wonderful support group of girlfriends, all mommys, of whom I can ask for advice, reassurance, and support. I am very lucky that way!!)

I hug my daughter everyday because she is a very huggy person, but she is entering her teenage years (now she is a tween), and I assume that she will no longer want mom hugging her so much (though I hope I am wrong). Speaking of K. I can see that she is missing the hugs of a man/father figure! Recently, we went to a festival and met up with one of my friends who was there with one of her guy friends. K. has met this man ONCE before, as have I. It was the 2nd anniversary of Charlies death and we had been to the cemetery that day. When we met up with these people, she kept hugging this man. I don't think he knew what to do, he doesn't know our situation unless my friend has told him, but I knew she had her dad on her mind because she hugged him more than once. We left shortly after meeting up with them (not because she was hugging him, but because we had already been there for a few hours and were tired...and broke).

So EVERYBODY needs hugs, and it is a blessing when we can receive what we need!!

Second Anniversary & Some Other Stuff

Tomorrow will be the 2nd anniversary of Charlie's passing. It is hard to believe that it has been two years already. This week has been a rough one for me. School started on Thursday which brings back memories of what we went through 2 years ago. We are having the same kind of weather we did when Charlie died. I have been thinking alot about him and how great our marriage was before he picked up the bottle again. One of my good friends recently started dating another friend (a guy we used to hang out with in high school). I participated in setting them up....got the ball rolling, so to speak. From the first phone conversation, they were practically in love. It has been about 2 weeks for them but seems like years. I miss that. I miss the companionship I had with my husband and that awesome feeling I had with Danny (even though that relationship was all wrong). And, of course, the financial end of things.....back to school always costs some money between school supplies, some new clothes, PTA membership, pictures, lunches.....it just goes on and on and I still haven't found a job.

Today, I took K. shopping with the $50 in gift cards my brother and sister-in-law gave her for back to school clothes. The store it was for in in the same town as the cemetery. I knew if I told K. that I planned to stop at the cemetery, she would not want to go. So we went shopping, then I said, "Why don't we go visit Daddy and Nana's grave since we are right here and tomorrow will be 2 years since he died. She had no idea that that day was coming up. In any case, she didn't want to go but I said "I am going and you can stay in the car." As soon as we got there she got out. She always hates to go but is fine once we get there. We cleaned up the garbage that was around the headstone and put some pretty stones there...one for daddy, one for nana, and one for her grandfather who died in 1965 (Charlie was 4 when his dad died). I think K. always feels better after she goes (we go visit other relatives of Charlies, who are buried close by). For me, it just feels right.

First Day of School!

Ah, another school year begins! K. started 6th grade today, advancing to the middle school. She seems excited about it....I am a wreck. I didn't worry all summer long about this transition BUT yesterday she went for a brief orientation and all last night I felt sick to my stomach. I don't know why I let these things bother me....K. certainly doesn't seem bothered.

The start of school has always been hard for me emotionally (you realize how old they are getting)...but now even more so because it was the night before K. started 4th grade that Charlie was taken off life support and we were at the hospital late that night saying goodbye to him. That was a Tuesday night, she started school on Wednesday and he died early Friday morning, but I let her go to school that day and didn't tell her until after she came home (we talked about it and that was the way she wanted it to be).

Charlie was so proud of K. and this is just another milestone he is missing out on. I still struggle with my feelings of being pissed at him because he pretty much did it to himself, missing him, and feeling sorry for him. I guess you could say it depends on the day.

Comfort Zone Camp (for K.)

I just found out the other day that K.'s application for Comfort Zone Camp has been accepted and she will be attending August 26th through August 29th. Comfort Zone Camp (www.comfortzonecamp.org) is a camp for grieving children. It is free to the camper, and she will be with children of all ages in similar situations. This summer has been particularly hard for K. as she misses her dad everyday. I will write about her experiences once she returns from it.

K. missing her Dad!

Today has been a weird day with a lot of reminders of Charlie. It is Saturday, so I did my usual walk in the morning, followed by giving K. some breakfast, and then getting ready to run some errands. It started this morning with some song K. was playing on the internet. It was from Veggie Tales...ya know "mashed potatoes mashed potatoes, cold spaghetti, cold spaghetti" that one (I can't remember the name of it). In any case, Charlie used to sing that song to K. when she was younger (probably because it was such a ridiculous song). Throughout the morning and early afternoon, she had been bringing Charlie up. No crying or anything, just kind of asking questions. I asked her if she wanted to go to his gravesite to put balloons or a gift, and she said "NO!" Just now, I walked into her room and she was playing on her computer and it looked like she was crying. I asked her if she was ok, and she said it was just her allergies. Two seconds later, she is in tears and asked if she could her her dad's voice. I have his last message still on my voicemail, from August 27th, 2008, almost 2 years ago....I just always make sure to save it before 21 days is up (otherwise it will automatically erase). I played it for her and she asked "was that him?" It kills me that 1. she is still so hurt and 2. that she had to ask if that was him. I don't want her to ever forget her dad's voice, but she was only 9 when he died, I guess it is bound to happen.

I hate seeing K. so hurt!

Being In A Funk!!

I don't know why, but for some reason I get myself in a bit of a "funk" during the summer. Last summer was far worse, but I seem to have gone back to that "not so great" place again this summer. I think it is a combination of things but mainly not being able to provide entertainment for my daughter. She is out of school now. She suffers from asthma and allergies and has terrible eczema, so she doesn't really enjoy the beach or the pool because it hurts her skin sometimes. I would love to take her to amusement parks, and water parks but everything is really expensive to do. Last summer, I was working part time, so I enrolled her in camp, every other week, which was what I could afford (my whole earnings from that job went to that camp), but this summer, not having a job, I can't do that. Also, during the summer, I don't get any alone time. Sometimes, I just like to be alone.

I started going back to the gym (I took a 3 month break), that definitely lifts my mood. I really enjoy walking outside, but this crazy hot and humid weather is not comfortable for me to walk in....hopefully, I get completely out of this funk soon....things are already looking better.....