Needing a Hug!!

"We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth."
Virginia Satir, American Psychologist and Educator (1916-1988)

I am not sure that I would agree the the amount of hugs Ms. Satir suggests...I would take just one a day (or even every few days). As a widow (or any kind of partnerless person), this is one area that really, really sucks because it is not like you can go out and just hug someone. It is not a sexual thing, rather a emotional release I guess. Some days I feel like I just need a huge hug and a little reassurance! It amazes me that you don't realize how much you need that until you don't have it. While married to Charlie, up until the very last few months of living together, we hugged everyday....It was just what we did. I know I can always go get my "virtual" hugs through FaceBook, and have requested them a few times when I am extremely "down in the dumps", BUT it is not the same thing as an actual hug and a little emotional support. (I have to confess though, I have a wonderful support group of girlfriends, all mommys, of whom I can ask for advice, reassurance, and support. I am very lucky that way!!)

I hug my daughter everyday because she is a very huggy person, but she is entering her teenage years (now she is a tween), and I assume that she will no longer want mom hugging her so much (though I hope I am wrong). Speaking of K. I can see that she is missing the hugs of a man/father figure! Recently, we went to a festival and met up with one of my friends who was there with one of her guy friends. K. has met this man ONCE before, as have I. It was the 2nd anniversary of Charlies death and we had been to the cemetery that day. When we met up with these people, she kept hugging this man. I don't think he knew what to do, he doesn't know our situation unless my friend has told him, but I knew she had her dad on her mind because she hugged him more than once. We left shortly after meeting up with them (not because she was hugging him, but because we had already been there for a few hours and were tired...and broke).

So EVERYBODY needs hugs, and it is a blessing when we can receive what we need!!

Second Anniversary & Some Other Stuff

Tomorrow will be the 2nd anniversary of Charlie's passing. It is hard to believe that it has been two years already. This week has been a rough one for me. School started on Thursday which brings back memories of what we went through 2 years ago. We are having the same kind of weather we did when Charlie died. I have been thinking alot about him and how great our marriage was before he picked up the bottle again. One of my good friends recently started dating another friend (a guy we used to hang out with in high school). I participated in setting them up....got the ball rolling, so to speak. From the first phone conversation, they were practically in love. It has been about 2 weeks for them but seems like years. I miss that. I miss the companionship I had with my husband and that awesome feeling I had with Danny (even though that relationship was all wrong). And, of course, the financial end of things.....back to school always costs some money between school supplies, some new clothes, PTA membership, pictures, lunches.....it just goes on and on and I still haven't found a job.

Today, I took K. shopping with the $50 in gift cards my brother and sister-in-law gave her for back to school clothes. The store it was for in in the same town as the cemetery. I knew if I told K. that I planned to stop at the cemetery, she would not want to go. So we went shopping, then I said, "Why don't we go visit Daddy and Nana's grave since we are right here and tomorrow will be 2 years since he died. She had no idea that that day was coming up. In any case, she didn't want to go but I said "I am going and you can stay in the car." As soon as we got there she got out. She always hates to go but is fine once we get there. We cleaned up the garbage that was around the headstone and put some pretty stones there...one for daddy, one for nana, and one for her grandfather who died in 1965 (Charlie was 4 when his dad died). I think K. always feels better after she goes (we go visit other relatives of Charlies, who are buried close by). For me, it just feels right.

K. missing her Dad!

Today has been a weird day with a lot of reminders of Charlie. It is Saturday, so I did my usual walk in the morning, followed by giving K. some breakfast, and then getting ready to run some errands. It started this morning with some song K. was playing on the internet. It was from Veggie Tales...ya know "mashed potatoes mashed potatoes, cold spaghetti, cold spaghetti" that one (I can't remember the name of it). In any case, Charlie used to sing that song to K. when she was younger (probably because it was such a ridiculous song). Throughout the morning and early afternoon, she had been bringing Charlie up. No crying or anything, just kind of asking questions. I asked her if she wanted to go to his gravesite to put balloons or a gift, and she said "NO!" Just now, I walked into her room and she was playing on her computer and it looked like she was crying. I asked her if she was ok, and she said it was just her allergies. Two seconds later, she is in tears and asked if she could her her dad's voice. I have his last message still on my voicemail, from August 27th, 2008, almost 2 years ago....I just always make sure to save it before 21 days is up (otherwise it will automatically erase). I played it for her and she asked "was that him?" It kills me that 1. she is still so hurt and 2. that she had to ask if that was him. I don't want her to ever forget her dad's voice, but she was only 9 when he died, I guess it is bound to happen.

I hate seeing K. so hurt!

The Concert...missing Dad!

Last night I attended my daughters school concert. She has been playing the cello for 2 years and every December and May, the kids put on a concert with the other local elementary schools. Toward the end of the concert, the music teacher asked the parents to give a round of applause to the kids for working so hard....which we did! Then she asked the kids to stomp their feet in applause for their parents for being so supportive. It was at this point where I started to tear up, wishing her dad was here to see her. He was so PROUD of her, and even though he struggled with alcoholism, there is no doubt in my mind that he loved his daughter to pieces!!!! There are so many dads out there who seem to abandon their children when a marriage ends. I have seen it in several families. I really don't understand how anyone could do that, especially to a child. Maybe theses dad's (if you want to call them that) become accustom to their new single lifestyle, find a girlfriend or new wife, or are punishing their former wife......who knows??? The point is, just because the relationship ends between a husband and wife, it shouldn't be held against the children. My child doesn't have a dad because he died....but if he were still here, he would make every effort to see her, talk to her, hold her.....every chance he could!

DAD'S......please remember, you are pissed at your former wife.....NOT your kids and they deserve to have a healthy relationship with you!

Charlie's Birthday

On Thursday, May 6, it would have been Charlie's 50th Birthday! Charlie was my husband and father to our daughter. The day before his birthday I asked my daughter if she wanted to go to his grave to put balloons on, or she wanted me to go while she was in school. She has this thing about going to his grave, where she doesn't want to go, then she wants to go, then she doesn't.....eventually, she will go but often states that she is just going to stay in the car while we are there. She never does that.

After school, I picked her up and told her we were going to daddy's grave. Immediately, she said she didn't want to go....but I told her she had to, otherwise I would have gone during the day. We headed to the cemetery, about a 20 minute ride, and I was hoping that I could find a dollar store on the way to get balloons so I wouldn't have to go to a florist and spend $5 a balloon. Luckily, we did find a dollar store . We went in and they had an impressive selection of mylar balloons. I let her pick out two. While we were waiting for the balloons to be filled, she found a little teddy bear holding roses and had a heart that said "I Love You" on it. She asked if she could get that too for dad's grave and one similar for herself...of course I let her. We also got some pretty light blue stones to leave on top of the headstone (well, they are little glass things, probably for the bottom of a vase). We always have problems finding stones to leave, but now I have a whole bag of them I will leave in my car for when we visit.

We got the the gravesite and she broke down. It weighs greatly on me to see my daughter in such pain because it is one thing that I can do absolutely nothing about. She often blames the doctors for not helping him (they couldn't) and God. I find it so hard to explain to her that everybody did everything they could.....In time, I hope she believes me.....