My Christmas Funk!!

At some point in my life, I really enjoyed Christmas....but that seems so long ago! The past 7 years or more, I have dreaded this holiday and particularly the last 3 years. This will be the third Christmas without Charlie. I hate that....not so much for me, but for K.

The year of 2007 was the first year where we were not together. I had filed for divorce in May of 2007, and K. and I moved from Georgia to New Jersey in August, and Charlie stayed down in Georgia. Since he was giving me a hard time about the divorce, there were no documents in place about where K. had to be for the holidays, BUT out of the goodness in my heart, I allowed her to fly to GA., with her grandmother to visit her dad for Christmas in 2007. It almost didn't happen because I was extremely aggravated that he hadn't paid me any child support in months (that was the one official item that was in place with our separation documents), and I still didn't have a job, and was "borrowing" money from my parents and siblings just to pay for K's asthma meds which cost $140/month (eventually, I got it for free, for 1 year through the drug manufacturer). Up until 2 days before her flight, I was telling him that she would not be coming down unless he gave me some child support. Well, I never got any money and I allowed her to go anyway, which, looking back, I am so glad I did, because that was his last Christmas! For me, it was an awful Christmas....the worse one I ever had because I was all alone. I went from having a family, to not even getting to spend it with my daughter......

Move forward to 2008....I am now a widow and it is really just me and K. I started out strong and hopeful for the holidays. We were living at my parents house, so we had lots of Christmas decorations to choose from....I had left most of "our" decorations with Charlie. There is something "different" about using someone else's decorations, as opposed to your own. In any case, I went to the tree lot and picked up a "live" tree with my last $50. Yes, I thought it was foolish to spend that kind of money on a tree, especially because it was the last of my money until I collected my SS the following week, but I wanted to do something nice for K. I remember my mom being upset with me bringing a live tree into the house for 2 reasons, 1. that I had spent that money when they were pretty much supporting us, and 2. the pine needles are a pain in the butt to clean up, but when it was put up, my mom enjoyed it too. I also put it up nice and early....probably the first week in December. K's birthday is December 11th (a little added stress, being so close to Christmas). On December 12th, the day after my baby turned 10, K and I were at her rock climbing class at the YMCA when I get a call from my brother...."I think mommy died!" I yell "what?" and he repeats himself (my brother is certainly not a good person to deliver any kind of bad news). I had just seen my mom, an hour before....I said goodbye as we were leaving for K's class, but she didn't answer, which was not unusual, as she was very ill and often sleeping. Someone had called for my mom so my dad went upstairs to give her the phone, when he found her.....obviously, Christmas was not a happy time this year either.....I was so happy that I had gotten ALL of my shopping done prior to this day, because I did not pick up one more thing after it.

Last year, I just had no spirit!!! I barely got the 3 foot artificial tree up and decorated, and that was about it. It was really starting to affect me, the situation I am in, living with my dad, not having my own things, feeling that I am not doing right by my daughter, still reeling over a bad relationship that I should not have been in, but was, and still missing that guy....though I should not have been (that took a full year to get over)....I just was not into it at all. K. never really tells me what she wants for Christmas, so that is not so much fun, going shopping, but not know what you are shopping for. Last year, I did get her a keyboard, which she did want, and still uses (she is musically talented)...but all the other gifts, for the most part, came from 5Below (a fancy dollar store, where everything is under $5). Who knows where any of that stuff is now....

This year, I have promised myself that K. is going to have a great Christmas!! We haven't had a good Christmas in so long(and by good, I mean just being in the spirit). K. has said that she wants a live tree, instead of the small artificial one that is here.....so while she is on a Girl Scout trip today, I am going to get one. I will set it up and put on the lights and she can decorate when she gets home. One BIG difference this year is that we have "our" ornaments. I left them with Charlie when I left GA, but I am not sure why....I probably should have taken some, especially K's as she has received an ornament every year since she was born....After Charlies mother died last year, the Christmas ornaments (which his family said they didn't have) were found and returned to K. We opened the box of them last night and reminisced about them....there were several of Charlies ornaments there which will definitely go up on "our" tree. Sadly, the collection of Santas and our other decorations were not returned to K. I guess they are with his "Hess Truck Collection."

I am hoping that this year is a great Christmas, I can stay in the spirit, create some new traditions and keep some old....but am overjoyed that we will be using the ornaments that are "ours" and a little piece of Charlie will be with us this Christmas.....