Five days til Christmas....and The Funk Remains!

Today is December 20th, and I am still not ready for Christmas!! I HATE this feeling of being so unmotivated, I feel like I am cheating my daughter out of so many Christmas memories. Even though I am in this funk, I think I am better than the past 2 years, but my spirit just isn't there. I did get K. the live tree she wanted, and put the lights on for her, and she did the decorating. She really enjoyed that. Also, we picked up a cookie mix at Trader Joes. For $4.00 we got the mix, colored sugar, and cookie cutters, which is a really good deal. Together, we made the cookies and she enjoyed that too. My problem is, I just can't get myself out to shop. I really only have K. to worry about, as my niece and nephew who have everything will get the standard visa gift card from us. I picked up one item she really wanted, and just ordered a second item, but other than those two things, I have nothing. I am going to try to get myself the 5Below (a fancy dollar store, where everything is $5 or less) to pick up some things, just so it looks like she is getting stuff.....last Christmas, almost everything came from 5Below.

I started this post this morning and guess what....still didn't get out shopping. I guess I HAVE to go tomorrow.

I just want to know when this "funk" I am in will pass??!! I am thinking of going back to my doctor to have them change my anti-depressant medication....I don't think the one I have been on for over a year, and has already had one dose increase, is doing it for me anymore......

My Christmas Funk!!

At some point in my life, I really enjoyed Christmas....but that seems so long ago! The past 7 years or more, I have dreaded this holiday and particularly the last 3 years. This will be the third Christmas without Charlie. I hate that....not so much for me, but for K.

The year of 2007 was the first year where we were not together. I had filed for divorce in May of 2007, and K. and I moved from Georgia to New Jersey in August, and Charlie stayed down in Georgia. Since he was giving me a hard time about the divorce, there were no documents in place about where K. had to be for the holidays, BUT out of the goodness in my heart, I allowed her to fly to GA., with her grandmother to visit her dad for Christmas in 2007. It almost didn't happen because I was extremely aggravated that he hadn't paid me any child support in months (that was the one official item that was in place with our separation documents), and I still didn't have a job, and was "borrowing" money from my parents and siblings just to pay for K's asthma meds which cost $140/month (eventually, I got it for free, for 1 year through the drug manufacturer). Up until 2 days before her flight, I was telling him that she would not be coming down unless he gave me some child support. Well, I never got any money and I allowed her to go anyway, which, looking back, I am so glad I did, because that was his last Christmas! For me, it was an awful Christmas....the worse one I ever had because I was all alone. I went from having a family, to not even getting to spend it with my daughter......

Move forward to 2008....I am now a widow and it is really just me and K. I started out strong and hopeful for the holidays. We were living at my parents house, so we had lots of Christmas decorations to choose from....I had left most of "our" decorations with Charlie. There is something "different" about using someone else's decorations, as opposed to your own. In any case, I went to the tree lot and picked up a "live" tree with my last $50. Yes, I thought it was foolish to spend that kind of money on a tree, especially because it was the last of my money until I collected my SS the following week, but I wanted to do something nice for K. I remember my mom being upset with me bringing a live tree into the house for 2 reasons, 1. that I had spent that money when they were pretty much supporting us, and 2. the pine needles are a pain in the butt to clean up, but when it was put up, my mom enjoyed it too. I also put it up nice and early....probably the first week in December. K's birthday is December 11th (a little added stress, being so close to Christmas). On December 12th, the day after my baby turned 10, K and I were at her rock climbing class at the YMCA when I get a call from my brother...."I think mommy died!" I yell "what?" and he repeats himself (my brother is certainly not a good person to deliver any kind of bad news). I had just seen my mom, an hour before....I said goodbye as we were leaving for K's class, but she didn't answer, which was not unusual, as she was very ill and often sleeping. Someone had called for my mom so my dad went upstairs to give her the phone, when he found her.....obviously, Christmas was not a happy time this year either.....I was so happy that I had gotten ALL of my shopping done prior to this day, because I did not pick up one more thing after it.

Last year, I just had no spirit!!! I barely got the 3 foot artificial tree up and decorated, and that was about it. It was really starting to affect me, the situation I am in, living with my dad, not having my own things, feeling that I am not doing right by my daughter, still reeling over a bad relationship that I should not have been in, but was, and still missing that guy....though I should not have been (that took a full year to get over)....I just was not into it at all. K. never really tells me what she wants for Christmas, so that is not so much fun, going shopping, but not know what you are shopping for. Last year, I did get her a keyboard, which she did want, and still uses (she is musically talented)...but all the other gifts, for the most part, came from 5Below (a fancy dollar store, where everything is under $5). Who knows where any of that stuff is now....

This year, I have promised myself that K. is going to have a great Christmas!! We haven't had a good Christmas in so long(and by good, I mean just being in the spirit). K. has said that she wants a live tree, instead of the small artificial one that is here.....so while she is on a Girl Scout trip today, I am going to get one. I will set it up and put on the lights and she can decorate when she gets home. One BIG difference this year is that we have "our" ornaments. I left them with Charlie when I left GA, but I am not sure why....I probably should have taken some, especially K's as she has received an ornament every year since she was born....After Charlies mother died last year, the Christmas ornaments (which his family said they didn't have) were found and returned to K. We opened the box of them last night and reminisced about them....there were several of Charlies ornaments there which will definitely go up on "our" tree. Sadly, the collection of Santas and our other decorations were not returned to K. I guess they are with his "Hess Truck Collection."

I am hoping that this year is a great Christmas, I can stay in the spirit, create some new traditions and keep some old....but am overjoyed that we will be using the ornaments that are "ours" and a little piece of Charlie will be with us this Christmas.....

Thanksgiving Day!!!

This year is the first Thanksgiving that I have hosted since the demise of my marriage about 4 years ago. I LOVE Thanksgiving. It has always been my favorite holiday. Not only is it a time to give thanks, but I love family gatherings without the expectation of anything other than good food and spending time together. This is the holiday, while married, that I hosted for Charlie's family every year. There were always at least 20 people, and while very stressful prepping for this holiday, it was so worth it in the long run. It is also the day we were married. In 1996, Charlie and I got engaged in September and planned a May 1997 wedding....however, on a whim, the week before Thanksgiving, we asked the priest at his church if he would marry us on Thanksgiving and he said yes. The wedding service was planned in 4 days, and not all family could attend, but it was a great day anyway. We got married, then went to him moms house for Thanksgiving. I loved the fact that it was a low-key event. In any case, this year while prepping for Thanksgiving, was bittersweet. As much as I love to be the "hostess with the mostess" I really missed Charlies presence as he always helped with everything for this holiday. Of course, this year was different than past years as no one from Charlies family was with us, just my family.....but still, a flood of memories came back. I often wonder when the grieving stops. Charlie has been dead a little over 2 years and we have been apart 3 years and things certainly weren't good in our marriage toward the end, but I could not stop thinking about when things were good, and Thanksgiving was great!! As time passes, as pissed off as I was at Charlie at the end of our marriage, I find myself thinking more of the good times we had, and letting go of all the crap we went through. I do believe it is a good thing to remember the good things but it is putting me in a place where I miss him which I find kind of strange. Why, after 2 years am I missing him more often now than before?

Needing a Hug!!

"We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth."
Virginia Satir, American Psychologist and Educator (1916-1988)

I am not sure that I would agree the the amount of hugs Ms. Satir suggests...I would take just one a day (or even every few days). As a widow (or any kind of partnerless person), this is one area that really, really sucks because it is not like you can go out and just hug someone. It is not a sexual thing, rather a emotional release I guess. Some days I feel like I just need a huge hug and a little reassurance! It amazes me that you don't realize how much you need that until you don't have it. While married to Charlie, up until the very last few months of living together, we hugged everyday....It was just what we did. I know I can always go get my "virtual" hugs through FaceBook, and have requested them a few times when I am extremely "down in the dumps", BUT it is not the same thing as an actual hug and a little emotional support. (I have to confess though, I have a wonderful support group of girlfriends, all mommys, of whom I can ask for advice, reassurance, and support. I am very lucky that way!!)

I hug my daughter everyday because she is a very huggy person, but she is entering her teenage years (now she is a tween), and I assume that she will no longer want mom hugging her so much (though I hope I am wrong). Speaking of K. I can see that she is missing the hugs of a man/father figure! Recently, we went to a festival and met up with one of my friends who was there with one of her guy friends. K. has met this man ONCE before, as have I. It was the 2nd anniversary of Charlies death and we had been to the cemetery that day. When we met up with these people, she kept hugging this man. I don't think he knew what to do, he doesn't know our situation unless my friend has told him, but I knew she had her dad on her mind because she hugged him more than once. We left shortly after meeting up with them (not because she was hugging him, but because we had already been there for a few hours and were tired...and broke).

So EVERYBODY needs hugs, and it is a blessing when we can receive what we need!!

Second Anniversary & Some Other Stuff

Tomorrow will be the 2nd anniversary of Charlie's passing. It is hard to believe that it has been two years already. This week has been a rough one for me. School started on Thursday which brings back memories of what we went through 2 years ago. We are having the same kind of weather we did when Charlie died. I have been thinking alot about him and how great our marriage was before he picked up the bottle again. One of my good friends recently started dating another friend (a guy we used to hang out with in high school). I participated in setting them up....got the ball rolling, so to speak. From the first phone conversation, they were practically in love. It has been about 2 weeks for them but seems like years. I miss that. I miss the companionship I had with my husband and that awesome feeling I had with Danny (even though that relationship was all wrong). And, of course, the financial end of things.....back to school always costs some money between school supplies, some new clothes, PTA membership, pictures, lunches.....it just goes on and on and I still haven't found a job.

Today, I took K. shopping with the $50 in gift cards my brother and sister-in-law gave her for back to school clothes. The store it was for in in the same town as the cemetery. I knew if I told K. that I planned to stop at the cemetery, she would not want to go. So we went shopping, then I said, "Why don't we go visit Daddy and Nana's grave since we are right here and tomorrow will be 2 years since he died. She had no idea that that day was coming up. In any case, she didn't want to go but I said "I am going and you can stay in the car." As soon as we got there she got out. She always hates to go but is fine once we get there. We cleaned up the garbage that was around the headstone and put some pretty stones there...one for daddy, one for nana, and one for her grandfather who died in 1965 (Charlie was 4 when his dad died). I think K. always feels better after she goes (we go visit other relatives of Charlies, who are buried close by). For me, it just feels right.

First Day of School!

Ah, another school year begins! K. started 6th grade today, advancing to the middle school. She seems excited about it....I am a wreck. I didn't worry all summer long about this transition BUT yesterday she went for a brief orientation and all last night I felt sick to my stomach. I don't know why I let these things bother me....K. certainly doesn't seem bothered.

The start of school has always been hard for me emotionally (you realize how old they are getting)...but now even more so because it was the night before K. started 4th grade that Charlie was taken off life support and we were at the hospital late that night saying goodbye to him. That was a Tuesday night, she started school on Wednesday and he died early Friday morning, but I let her go to school that day and didn't tell her until after she came home (we talked about it and that was the way she wanted it to be).

Charlie was so proud of K. and this is just another milestone he is missing out on. I still struggle with my feelings of being pissed at him because he pretty much did it to himself, missing him, and feeling sorry for him. I guess you could say it depends on the day.

Comfort Zone Camp (for K.)

I just found out the other day that K.'s application for Comfort Zone Camp has been accepted and she will be attending August 26th through August 29th. Comfort Zone Camp (www.comfortzonecamp.org) is a camp for grieving children. It is free to the camper, and she will be with children of all ages in similar situations. This summer has been particularly hard for K. as she misses her dad everyday. I will write about her experiences once she returns from it.