September 2, 2008~Saying Our Final Goodbyes to Charlie

Around 8pm on September 2nd, I got a call from Charlies sister Elaine telling me that he had been moved to a room and that I could bring K. up to see him. I immediately called my brother and sister-in-law who were on "standby" to come meet me at the hospital. I told K. that we had to go. She really didn't want to. Rarely do I force my daughter to do something she doesn't want to because I hated that when I was growing up....but there are some things in life when it is necessary that I do so. I explained to her that this would be the last time we see daddy alive, the last time she can hug & kiss him and talk to him. She accepted my reasoning. (K. is a very bright girl who is mature beyond her years....and I am so thankful for that). We headed to the hospital. My brother and his wife did the same. Their ride was a little bit longer than ours, but we planned to meet in the lobby. Keep in mind that not only do I have to say goodbye to the man I was married to, and tend to a young girl who has to say goodbye to her dad, BUT his family is there, who I haven't seen since May 2007 when I filed for divorce, who are still (as far as I know) pissed at me for leaving him. It was truly an overwhelming situation! K. and I enter the lobby to wait for my brother and sister-in-law and who should be waiting for us...or I should say waiting for K., was Elaine. She immediately ran up to K. and hugged her (and barely said hello to me) and started to head for the elevator to go up to Charlie's room. I explained that I wanted to wait for my brother, but she didn't want to hear that....and continued walking with K. I was not going to let my daughter go without me, so I headed up too. Talk about the most uncomfortable elevator ride ever..... Thank God it was only 1 floor! Somewhere in that short period of time, I texted my brother to tell him to come directly to the room. We got off the elevator with Elaine still holding K.'s hand and practically dragging her. We rounded the corner and there are some of his family members. At that time, the people who were there were his mom, his other sister Glor and her husband Jim, Glor's two grown daughters and their priest from church. There may have been some other members of the family there...I am unsure. Elaine takes K. into Charlies room, leaving me behind. It was so uncomfortable for me and all I wanted was for me to take K. in to see him...but it was too late, K. was already in. She was screaming and crying "Daddy, I love you...Don't ever forget that...OK?" I followed in right after and saw him there. He was breathing heavy (for the benefit of K. they had removed his breathing mask). I went right up to him and started to caress his head. I told him I loved him and that it was ok to go now. It was amazing to me that all the anger I had toward him, disappeared at that moment and all I could feel was the love I had for him. During this, his family is still in the room, but someone suggested that I get some time alone with Charlie.....and by alone, that means the priest still stayed. Everyone but the priest left the room. I don't like Charlies priest, never really did. I think he is cold and a crook who swindles money out of his (mostly older)parishioners for his beach house in FL. I stood there and spoke with the priest who was still as cold as ever. Since K. had left the room, and Charlie had very labored breathing, I suggested that we put his breathing mask back on to which the priest states "six of one, half dozen of another...it really doesn't matter." What an ASS! Then he goes on to tell me that he knew Charlie was drinking...he caught him coming out of the liquor store. When the priest confronted Charlie, he said he was in buying a soda. He also told me that when he spoke with Charlie before his surgery (I am unsure whether this was in person or by phone), Charlie told him "I don't want to die." The priest is telling me this and now telling me "Oh well, look what has happened." I left with the priest, a card K. had made for Charlie, and two pictures of her & her dad. After a while, I went into "The Family Room" a kind of den looking room with couches and a coffee table, a fish tank and maybe even a TV. I met with Kathleen, a psychologist on the hospital staff who helps people dealing with death. She had already met with K., given her a childrens book about death, and a big peacock feather and a shell both of which were decorations for the room, but she allowed K. to take them. Kathleen spoke to me about what to expect in Charlies impending death. She told me, he could die in a few hours or a few days. She explained the process to me. She asked me if I wanted to be contacted when he passes and of course I said yes. She told me that Elaine was upset that I was going to be asked if I wanted to be contacted, because apparently Elaine didn't think I deserved that right. Kathleen told Elaine, that I am still legally his wife and mother to his daughter. If Charlie should pass when no one is around, then I was to be the second one contacted, right after his mother. This pissed Elaine off even more as she was not on the list!
After I spoke with Kathleen, I went into the hallway, where his family, most of whom I hadn't spoke with in more than a year, were standing. My brother and sister-in-law were there by that time too (Thank God). Jim, Glor's husband, pulled me aside. Jim is a good guy. He was a catholic priest for 20+ years, until he met Glor, a teacher at the Catholic School he administered to. He left the priesthood and got married. Jim hugged me and apologized from him and Glor for not speaking to me for the past almost year and a half. He said "The liver doesn't lie, and I can't even imagine what you went through." FINALLY, someone was seeing that I was not the bad guy in this situation, but just trying to do the right thing for my daughter and myself. It wasn't for a lack of love I left Charlie, but the path that he put all of our lives on. It wasn't pretty! Glor also hugged and spoke to me as did her two daughters. Elaine still was pissed at me. Charlies mom and I always had a decent relationship. Mostly because when I moved up to NJ from GA (she lives in NJ too, about 30 minutes away from me), Charlie was still in GA. She remained friendly with me because she thought she would never see K. if she didn't. I would NEVER do that. K. loves her Nana. Nana doesn't drive anymore, so it was entirely on me to get K. over to see her. I made every effort to. K. and I would go over and get her to go out to dinner, when K. had a soccer game, I would drive over to her home, get her and bring her back to my town so she could watch K. play. I made sure K. called and kept a relationship with her Nana. So, as long as other family members (from Charlies side) were not around, my mother-in-law and I had a decent relationship.

Before leaving the hospital that night, Katie and I both went into Charlies room and said one final goodbye..............

We had to get home, school was starting the next day!

September 2, 2008~Telling K. Her Dad is Going to Die!

One of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life, is tell my daughter that her dad is going to die.

It was a beautiful sunny early September day and K. is all excited to start 4th grade. She got the teacher she really wanted, had her two best friends in the same class with her, had all her new school supplies and new clothes ready to go.....She was psyched!!! She knew her dad was sick and in the hospital. She knew she hadn't talked to him in a week, but she didn't know that he couldn't be fixed!

I brought K. down into the kitchen and asked her to sit down. I held her little hands and said (something like this) "Honey, you know that daddy is very sick, and he has been in the hospital, and we haven't been able to talk to him" she responded that she knew that, I said "well, this time the doctors can't help him, he is too sick and he is going to die." Her little heart broke right then and there....she started screaming "Why God? Why Jesus? Why do you have to take my dad?" I explained that he is going to be in a room where we can go see him, but he is still in a coma. I told her that he will know we are there, but he won't be able to talk to us. I told her that Aunt Elaine is going to call when Daddy is put in his room and then we could go visit him. She really didn't want to do that. She asked if she could go to her room....and I told her to just holler if she needed me. The rest of the day she spent crying and watching TV.

Now I have to inform K.'s school about our situation. This is only her 2nd year at this school. I drove up to the school because 1. I didn't want to talk on the phone in front of K. 2. I knew the secretaries and teachers would be there as school was starting the next morning. I walked in and spoke to Lucy the secretary and told her what was going on. She was shocked and very sympathetic and promised to get K. in immediately with the school counselor. K's teacher was not in at that time (I had never even met her) but she did call me at home a little while later. I told them all what was going on and if K. isn't in school for the first day and I forget to call, you will know what happened.

I had no idea what to expect when Charlie was taken off life support. I just assumed that he would die shortly after......

September 2, 2008~The Decision to Remove Life Support

On Tuesday, September 2nd, Charlies Mom & sisters made the heart wrenching decision to remove him from life support. He had been in a coma for 6 days, he wasn't responding to anything or anyone, his liver was nearly dead and he needed a transplant, he would never walk again...there was no hope. I know Charlie and he would never want to live that way.

His sister Elaine, the one who still to this day blames me for leaving him, called me mid morning on Tuesday to tell me the news. It was horrible. I remember saying "Is he going to die?" Even though, I had spent the whole day on Monday crying because I thought he was going to die, now it was inevitable.

Elaine told me that they are removing life support and he will be moved to palliative care, a unit that houses patients that are going to die. She asked me if I would bring K. up once he is in his room in palliative care. The staff did not want a 9 year old girl to come see her dad with all the machines still hooked up. Elaine said she would call me back once he is moved in......

Now, I have to figure out a way to tell our daughter that her dad is going to die......and to top it off, her first day of 4th grade is the next day!