Happy Birthday!!!!

Today is my birthday!!! My 48th birthday!!! I am now at the age that Charlie was when he died and K. is in a tizzy!!! She has talked about this every year on my birthday "Mom, I don't want you to be 48, just skip to 49." This morning when she woke up she wished me a happy birthday and stated 'now you are 48....dad died when he was 48!" I have explained to her that I am healthy and daddy wasn't, but she doesn't want to hear that. I have had bloodwork done, and all my womans dr. stuff done and all is good and I share this with her.....I hope to put her mind at ease. I really hope that beyond today, she will forget how old I am....I hate to see my kid worry....and especially about me.

A New Start....well, sort of!

It has been quite a while since I have visited here....mainly, I don't have much to say and my computer has been on the fritz for a while....but now I am here!!

I finally got a 'real" job....and by real job, I mean steady (though only part time) and I actually have direct deposit....none of this under-the-table sporadic work. And it feels great to have something to go to everyday! I am a para-professional at a local elementary school. I was hired for a 60 day assignment, but it is very possible that I will be working until the end of the school year. That would be fantastic. It is right around the corner from my daughters middle school, so I drop her off, then head into work myself. AND we have all the same school breaks. It is the ideal situation for me since I have no one to help me with the responsibility of raising a child. I really like this job though was quite surprised when I found out that I was being paid HALF of what I thought I was being paid. I was told the amount by someone, but never got it in writing, therefore I was told the full day rate, not the half day rate.....anywho, it does not amount to much money at all (barely above minimum wage), however, I get my foot in the door for a possible position next year.

So there....some happy news!!!

Trust & Relationships

Following another bad relationship recently, I find myself often thinking of Charlie and how good things were between us.....all because there was TRUST. Don't get me wrong, there were some horrible things in our marriage, which is why I filed for divorce, but they all had to do, almost exclusively, with his drinking. Because of his drinking, he was unable to perform at work, and he lost job after job, we were continually "borrowing" money, we often went without decent food (at one point, Charlie and I ate canned baked beans for all meals for 2 weeks straight because they were on sale and I had coupons and they aren't the worse food in the world you can eat). This way, we were able to get K. the Tyson Chicken nuggets, which is something we knew she would eat. The stress of not having enough money to pay for any necessity is a horrible thing to go through and I would not wish it on anyone.

BUT, we had trust in our relationship, and by trust, I mean I did not ever worry about what Charlie was doing when he was not in my presence. It just never occurred to me that he would ever cheat, because I knew he loved me. I may be naive, and he may have cheated, but I seriously doubt it, and that is what I am choosing to believe. We also had open-ness, where we discussed things that needed to be discussed. No matter what it was, good or bad, we talked!!!

I often look at other peoples relationships.....I never did that before, but since I don't have my own going on, I look at others. It is both interesting and informative. I now know exactly what I want in a relationship and what I won't put up with.....at all. Openness is a biggie. I have a girlfriend of mine who was married for the 3rd time this past May. I am not really sure why she married this guy as I would talk to her everyday, and everyday she told me she was sick of his behavior (which is absolutely no communication amongst them) and she was getting ready to move out of his house and move back into her house (which was vacant). THEN, at 11:30 one night, I get a text message with a picture of an engagement ring on her hand!!! I texted her back, "did you get engaged?" and she said yes.....I didn't know what to say....Well, they got married and things are now worse than ever. This couple doesn't talk to one another, their kids (her 10 year old girl & his 13 year old boy) HATE each other, my friend hates his family, which, from the way she describes it, are trashy....and she is not at all comfortable in HIS house (and I say his, because she has never felt like it is THEIR home). Now she is contemplating a third divorce, or sticking it out. Talking amongst them, thus far, has done no good!!! All I can say to her is "Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life?" My friend, is such a good person, and really deserves to be happy.

Now I am wondering if I will ever, ever be comfortable enough with a man to trust him??? I really have not given any "new" man a chance, as I have "dated" two former boyfriends from many years back, but I think I may be scared to try something new. I tried Internet dating...and HATED it, and I am not the type to go out and look for someone....I feel that if I am going to meet someone, I am going to meet someone. All I am hoping for is someone with a good heart, and whom I trust and with whom I can be open with!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Merry Christmas to all of you!!!

This morning went well....well, at least it wasn't horrible. Somehow I was able to save some money in the recent months and was able to get K. everything she asked for...which is a first. She is definitely not like me, who as a kid (and young adult) would wake everyone up really early to see what we all got. She was laying in bed this morning, wide awake, and I had to ask her if she wanted to come downstairs and open her presents.....it took some convincing on my part to get her to come too......probably so many uneventful Christmas' that it just isn't exciting to her.....I don't know. But she loved her gifts this year, which makes me happy!!!

I wish all of you a very Merry Christmas and a Happy, healthy new year!

Five days til Christmas....and The Funk Remains!

Today is December 20th, and I am still not ready for Christmas!! I HATE this feeling of being so unmotivated, I feel like I am cheating my daughter out of so many Christmas memories. Even though I am in this funk, I think I am better than the past 2 years, but my spirit just isn't there. I did get K. the live tree she wanted, and put the lights on for her, and she did the decorating. She really enjoyed that. Also, we picked up a cookie mix at Trader Joes. For $4.00 we got the mix, colored sugar, and cookie cutters, which is a really good deal. Together, we made the cookies and she enjoyed that too. My problem is, I just can't get myself out to shop. I really only have K. to worry about, as my niece and nephew who have everything will get the standard visa gift card from us. I picked up one item she really wanted, and just ordered a second item, but other than those two things, I have nothing. I am going to try to get myself the 5Below (a fancy dollar store, where everything is $5 or less) to pick up some things, just so it looks like she is getting stuff.....last Christmas, almost everything came from 5Below.

I started this post this morning and guess what....still didn't get out shopping. I guess I HAVE to go tomorrow.

I just want to know when this "funk" I am in will pass??!! I am thinking of going back to my doctor to have them change my anti-depressant medication....I don't think the one I have been on for over a year, and has already had one dose increase, is doing it for me anymore......

My Christmas Funk!!

At some point in my life, I really enjoyed Christmas....but that seems so long ago! The past 7 years or more, I have dreaded this holiday and particularly the last 3 years. This will be the third Christmas without Charlie. I hate that....not so much for me, but for K.

The year of 2007 was the first year where we were not together. I had filed for divorce in May of 2007, and K. and I moved from Georgia to New Jersey in August, and Charlie stayed down in Georgia. Since he was giving me a hard time about the divorce, there were no documents in place about where K. had to be for the holidays, BUT out of the goodness in my heart, I allowed her to fly to GA., with her grandmother to visit her dad for Christmas in 2007. It almost didn't happen because I was extremely aggravated that he hadn't paid me any child support in months (that was the one official item that was in place with our separation documents), and I still didn't have a job, and was "borrowing" money from my parents and siblings just to pay for K's asthma meds which cost $140/month (eventually, I got it for free, for 1 year through the drug manufacturer). Up until 2 days before her flight, I was telling him that she would not be coming down unless he gave me some child support. Well, I never got any money and I allowed her to go anyway, which, looking back, I am so glad I did, because that was his last Christmas! For me, it was an awful Christmas....the worse one I ever had because I was all alone. I went from having a family, to not even getting to spend it with my daughter......

Move forward to 2008....I am now a widow and it is really just me and K. I started out strong and hopeful for the holidays. We were living at my parents house, so we had lots of Christmas decorations to choose from....I had left most of "our" decorations with Charlie. There is something "different" about using someone else's decorations, as opposed to your own. In any case, I went to the tree lot and picked up a "live" tree with my last $50. Yes, I thought it was foolish to spend that kind of money on a tree, especially because it was the last of my money until I collected my SS the following week, but I wanted to do something nice for K. I remember my mom being upset with me bringing a live tree into the house for 2 reasons, 1. that I had spent that money when they were pretty much supporting us, and 2. the pine needles are a pain in the butt to clean up, but when it was put up, my mom enjoyed it too. I also put it up nice and early....probably the first week in December. K's birthday is December 11th (a little added stress, being so close to Christmas). On December 12th, the day after my baby turned 10, K and I were at her rock climbing class at the YMCA when I get a call from my brother...."I think mommy died!" I yell "what?" and he repeats himself (my brother is certainly not a good person to deliver any kind of bad news). I had just seen my mom, an hour before....I said goodbye as we were leaving for K's class, but she didn't answer, which was not unusual, as she was very ill and often sleeping. Someone had called for my mom so my dad went upstairs to give her the phone, when he found her.....obviously, Christmas was not a happy time this year either.....I was so happy that I had gotten ALL of my shopping done prior to this day, because I did not pick up one more thing after it.

Last year, I just had no spirit!!! I barely got the 3 foot artificial tree up and decorated, and that was about it. It was really starting to affect me, the situation I am in, living with my dad, not having my own things, feeling that I am not doing right by my daughter, still reeling over a bad relationship that I should not have been in, but was, and still missing that guy....though I should not have been (that took a full year to get over)....I just was not into it at all. K. never really tells me what she wants for Christmas, so that is not so much fun, going shopping, but not know what you are shopping for. Last year, I did get her a keyboard, which she did want, and still uses (she is musically talented)...but all the other gifts, for the most part, came from 5Below (a fancy dollar store, where everything is under $5). Who knows where any of that stuff is now....

This year, I have promised myself that K. is going to have a great Christmas!! We haven't had a good Christmas in so long(and by good, I mean just being in the spirit). K. has said that she wants a live tree, instead of the small artificial one that is here.....so while she is on a Girl Scout trip today, I am going to get one. I will set it up and put on the lights and she can decorate when she gets home. One BIG difference this year is that we have "our" ornaments. I left them with Charlie when I left GA, but I am not sure why....I probably should have taken some, especially K's as she has received an ornament every year since she was born....After Charlies mother died last year, the Christmas ornaments (which his family said they didn't have) were found and returned to K. We opened the box of them last night and reminisced about them....there were several of Charlies ornaments there which will definitely go up on "our" tree. Sadly, the collection of Santas and our other decorations were not returned to K. I guess they are with his "Hess Truck Collection."

I am hoping that this year is a great Christmas, I can stay in the spirit, create some new traditions and keep some old....but am overjoyed that we will be using the ornaments that are "ours" and a little piece of Charlie will be with us this Christmas.....

Thanksgiving Day!!!

This year is the first Thanksgiving that I have hosted since the demise of my marriage about 4 years ago. I LOVE Thanksgiving. It has always been my favorite holiday. Not only is it a time to give thanks, but I love family gatherings without the expectation of anything other than good food and spending time together. This is the holiday, while married, that I hosted for Charlie's family every year. There were always at least 20 people, and while very stressful prepping for this holiday, it was so worth it in the long run. It is also the day we were married. In 1996, Charlie and I got engaged in September and planned a May 1997 wedding....however, on a whim, the week before Thanksgiving, we asked the priest at his church if he would marry us on Thanksgiving and he said yes. The wedding service was planned in 4 days, and not all family could attend, but it was a great day anyway. We got married, then went to him moms house for Thanksgiving. I loved the fact that it was a low-key event. In any case, this year while prepping for Thanksgiving, was bittersweet. As much as I love to be the "hostess with the mostess" I really missed Charlies presence as he always helped with everything for this holiday. Of course, this year was different than past years as no one from Charlies family was with us, just my family.....but still, a flood of memories came back. I often wonder when the grieving stops. Charlie has been dead a little over 2 years and we have been apart 3 years and things certainly weren't good in our marriage toward the end, but I could not stop thinking about when things were good, and Thanksgiving was great!! As time passes, as pissed off as I was at Charlie at the end of our marriage, I find myself thinking more of the good times we had, and letting go of all the crap we went through. I do believe it is a good thing to remember the good things but it is putting me in a place where I miss him which I find kind of strange. Why, after 2 years am I missing him more often now than before?