Thanksgiving Day!!!

This year is the first Thanksgiving that I have hosted since the demise of my marriage about 4 years ago. I LOVE Thanksgiving. It has always been my favorite holiday. Not only is it a time to give thanks, but I love family gatherings without the expectation of anything other than good food and spending time together. This is the holiday, while married, that I hosted for Charlie's family every year. There were always at least 20 people, and while very stressful prepping for this holiday, it was so worth it in the long run. It is also the day we were married. In 1996, Charlie and I got engaged in September and planned a May 1997 wedding....however, on a whim, the week before Thanksgiving, we asked the priest at his church if he would marry us on Thanksgiving and he said yes. The wedding service was planned in 4 days, and not all family could attend, but it was a great day anyway. We got married, then went to him moms house for Thanksgiving. I loved the fact that it was a low-key event. In any case, this year while prepping for Thanksgiving, was bittersweet. As much as I love to be the "hostess with the mostess" I really missed Charlies presence as he always helped with everything for this holiday. Of course, this year was different than past years as no one from Charlies family was with us, just my family.....but still, a flood of memories came back. I often wonder when the grieving stops. Charlie has been dead a little over 2 years and we have been apart 3 years and things certainly weren't good in our marriage toward the end, but I could not stop thinking about when things were good, and Thanksgiving was great!! As time passes, as pissed off as I was at Charlie at the end of our marriage, I find myself thinking more of the good times we had, and letting go of all the crap we went through. I do believe it is a good thing to remember the good things but it is putting me in a place where I miss him which I find kind of strange. Why, after 2 years am I missing him more often now than before?

Needing a Hug!!

"We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth."
Virginia Satir, American Psychologist and Educator (1916-1988)

I am not sure that I would agree the the amount of hugs Ms. Satir suggests...I would take just one a day (or even every few days). As a widow (or any kind of partnerless person), this is one area that really, really sucks because it is not like you can go out and just hug someone. It is not a sexual thing, rather a emotional release I guess. Some days I feel like I just need a huge hug and a little reassurance! It amazes me that you don't realize how much you need that until you don't have it. While married to Charlie, up until the very last few months of living together, we hugged everyday....It was just what we did. I know I can always go get my "virtual" hugs through FaceBook, and have requested them a few times when I am extremely "down in the dumps", BUT it is not the same thing as an actual hug and a little emotional support. (I have to confess though, I have a wonderful support group of girlfriends, all mommys, of whom I can ask for advice, reassurance, and support. I am very lucky that way!!)

I hug my daughter everyday because she is a very huggy person, but she is entering her teenage years (now she is a tween), and I assume that she will no longer want mom hugging her so much (though I hope I am wrong). Speaking of K. I can see that she is missing the hugs of a man/father figure! Recently, we went to a festival and met up with one of my friends who was there with one of her guy friends. K. has met this man ONCE before, as have I. It was the 2nd anniversary of Charlies death and we had been to the cemetery that day. When we met up with these people, she kept hugging this man. I don't think he knew what to do, he doesn't know our situation unless my friend has told him, but I knew she had her dad on her mind because she hugged him more than once. We left shortly after meeting up with them (not because she was hugging him, but because we had already been there for a few hours and were tired...and broke).

So EVERYBODY needs hugs, and it is a blessing when we can receive what we need!!

Second Anniversary & Some Other Stuff

Tomorrow will be the 2nd anniversary of Charlie's passing. It is hard to believe that it has been two years already. This week has been a rough one for me. School started on Thursday which brings back memories of what we went through 2 years ago. We are having the same kind of weather we did when Charlie died. I have been thinking alot about him and how great our marriage was before he picked up the bottle again. One of my good friends recently started dating another friend (a guy we used to hang out with in high school). I participated in setting them up....got the ball rolling, so to speak. From the first phone conversation, they were practically in love. It has been about 2 weeks for them but seems like years. I miss that. I miss the companionship I had with my husband and that awesome feeling I had with Danny (even though that relationship was all wrong). And, of course, the financial end of things.....back to school always costs some money between school supplies, some new clothes, PTA membership, pictures, lunches.....it just goes on and on and I still haven't found a job.

Today, I took K. shopping with the $50 in gift cards my brother and sister-in-law gave her for back to school clothes. The store it was for in in the same town as the cemetery. I knew if I told K. that I planned to stop at the cemetery, she would not want to go. So we went shopping, then I said, "Why don't we go visit Daddy and Nana's grave since we are right here and tomorrow will be 2 years since he died. She had no idea that that day was coming up. In any case, she didn't want to go but I said "I am going and you can stay in the car." As soon as we got there she got out. She always hates to go but is fine once we get there. We cleaned up the garbage that was around the headstone and put some pretty stones there...one for daddy, one for nana, and one for her grandfather who died in 1965 (Charlie was 4 when his dad died). I think K. always feels better after she goes (we go visit other relatives of Charlies, who are buried close by). For me, it just feels right.

First Day of School!

Ah, another school year begins! K. started 6th grade today, advancing to the middle school. She seems excited about it....I am a wreck. I didn't worry all summer long about this transition BUT yesterday she went for a brief orientation and all last night I felt sick to my stomach. I don't know why I let these things bother me....K. certainly doesn't seem bothered.

The start of school has always been hard for me emotionally (you realize how old they are getting)...but now even more so because it was the night before K. started 4th grade that Charlie was taken off life support and we were at the hospital late that night saying goodbye to him. That was a Tuesday night, she started school on Wednesday and he died early Friday morning, but I let her go to school that day and didn't tell her until after she came home (we talked about it and that was the way she wanted it to be).

Charlie was so proud of K. and this is just another milestone he is missing out on. I still struggle with my feelings of being pissed at him because he pretty much did it to himself, missing him, and feeling sorry for him. I guess you could say it depends on the day.

Comfort Zone Camp (for K.)

I just found out the other day that K.'s application for Comfort Zone Camp has been accepted and she will be attending August 26th through August 29th. Comfort Zone Camp (www.comfortzonecamp.org) is a camp for grieving children. It is free to the camper, and she will be with children of all ages in similar situations. This summer has been particularly hard for K. as she misses her dad everyday. I will write about her experiences once she returns from it.

K. missing her Dad!

Today has been a weird day with a lot of reminders of Charlie. It is Saturday, so I did my usual walk in the morning, followed by giving K. some breakfast, and then getting ready to run some errands. It started this morning with some song K. was playing on the internet. It was from Veggie Tales...ya know "mashed potatoes mashed potatoes, cold spaghetti, cold spaghetti" that one (I can't remember the name of it). In any case, Charlie used to sing that song to K. when she was younger (probably because it was such a ridiculous song). Throughout the morning and early afternoon, she had been bringing Charlie up. No crying or anything, just kind of asking questions. I asked her if she wanted to go to his gravesite to put balloons or a gift, and she said "NO!" Just now, I walked into her room and she was playing on her computer and it looked like she was crying. I asked her if she was ok, and she said it was just her allergies. Two seconds later, she is in tears and asked if she could her her dad's voice. I have his last message still on my voicemail, from August 27th, 2008, almost 2 years ago....I just always make sure to save it before 21 days is up (otherwise it will automatically erase). I played it for her and she asked "was that him?" It kills me that 1. she is still so hurt and 2. that she had to ask if that was him. I don't want her to ever forget her dad's voice, but she was only 9 when he died, I guess it is bound to happen.

I hate seeing K. so hurt!

Being In A Funk!!

I don't know why, but for some reason I get myself in a bit of a "funk" during the summer. Last summer was far worse, but I seem to have gone back to that "not so great" place again this summer. I think it is a combination of things but mainly not being able to provide entertainment for my daughter. She is out of school now. She suffers from asthma and allergies and has terrible eczema, so she doesn't really enjoy the beach or the pool because it hurts her skin sometimes. I would love to take her to amusement parks, and water parks but everything is really expensive to do. Last summer, I was working part time, so I enrolled her in camp, every other week, which was what I could afford (my whole earnings from that job went to that camp), but this summer, not having a job, I can't do that. Also, during the summer, I don't get any alone time. Sometimes, I just like to be alone.

I started going back to the gym (I took a 3 month break), that definitely lifts my mood. I really enjoy walking outside, but this crazy hot and humid weather is not comfortable for me to walk in....hopefully, I get completely out of this funk soon....things are already looking better.....