Second Anniversary & Some Other Stuff

Tomorrow will be the 2nd anniversary of Charlie's passing. It is hard to believe that it has been two years already. This week has been a rough one for me. School started on Thursday which brings back memories of what we went through 2 years ago. We are having the same kind of weather we did when Charlie died. I have been thinking alot about him and how great our marriage was before he picked up the bottle again. One of my good friends recently started dating another friend (a guy we used to hang out with in high school). I participated in setting them up....got the ball rolling, so to speak. From the first phone conversation, they were practically in love. It has been about 2 weeks for them but seems like years. I miss that. I miss the companionship I had with my husband and that awesome feeling I had with Danny (even though that relationship was all wrong). And, of course, the financial end of things.....back to school always costs some money between school supplies, some new clothes, PTA membership, pictures, lunches.....it just goes on and on and I still haven't found a job.

Today, I took K. shopping with the $50 in gift cards my brother and sister-in-law gave her for back to school clothes. The store it was for in in the same town as the cemetery. I knew if I told K. that I planned to stop at the cemetery, she would not want to go. So we went shopping, then I said, "Why don't we go visit Daddy and Nana's grave since we are right here and tomorrow will be 2 years since he died. She had no idea that that day was coming up. In any case, she didn't want to go but I said "I am going and you can stay in the car." As soon as we got there she got out. She always hates to go but is fine once we get there. We cleaned up the garbage that was around the headstone and put some pretty stones there...one for daddy, one for nana, and one for her grandfather who died in 1965 (Charlie was 4 when his dad died). I think K. always feels better after she goes (we go visit other relatives of Charlies, who are buried close by). For me, it just feels right.

First Day of School!

Ah, another school year begins! K. started 6th grade today, advancing to the middle school. She seems excited about it....I am a wreck. I didn't worry all summer long about this transition BUT yesterday she went for a brief orientation and all last night I felt sick to my stomach. I don't know why I let these things bother me....K. certainly doesn't seem bothered.

The start of school has always been hard for me emotionally (you realize how old they are getting)...but now even more so because it was the night before K. started 4th grade that Charlie was taken off life support and we were at the hospital late that night saying goodbye to him. That was a Tuesday night, she started school on Wednesday and he died early Friday morning, but I let her go to school that day and didn't tell her until after she came home (we talked about it and that was the way she wanted it to be).

Charlie was so proud of K. and this is just another milestone he is missing out on. I still struggle with my feelings of being pissed at him because he pretty much did it to himself, missing him, and feeling sorry for him. I guess you could say it depends on the day.